Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

How To Treat A Maureen: An Original Musical

ALRIGHT, so this is a musical I wrote over the summer of 2010. Every character is based on and assumes the name of someone in my life. Maureen is one of my very best friends, so credits to her for providing a basis for this comedy. The only person I actually made up, is the Ryan character, because I marry him throughout this musical, and, well, I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment with a person who isn't just a figment of my imagination. All links to songs are included, if you are unfamiliar with them, and naturally, i don't even pretend to take credit for them. This is rather long, so read it in small stints, or jump right in (who am I to tell you how to live your life?) either way, make sure you do finish it eventually. 
Well... what are you waiting for?

The scene is dark, Maureen sits in the middle of the stage, her huge pile of errand things sits next to her, as she sings. Music cue: Gone by Ben Folds http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0sFlvrJlr0&feature=related  after a few seconds of her starring at a picture.
MO: Oh, Boo… I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know
In the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go
And I hope you find some time to drop a note
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone

I know that you went straight to someone else
While I worked through all this shit here by myself
And I think that you should spend some time alone
But if you won't
Then you won't
And I will consider you gone

I wake up in the night
All alone and it's alright
The chemicals are wearing off
Since you've gone

The days go on, the lights go off and on
And nothing really matters when you're gone
If you think that you feel nothing at all
If you don't (If you don't)
Then you don't (No, you won't)
If you won't
Then you won't
And I will
Then I will
Yeah, and I will consider you gone
(she tears up the picture, picks up her pile and exits the stage as the next scene begins)
Lights up on a group of three girls: KATHLEEN, SIERRA, and PAIGE. PAIGE is wearing a veil as all the females paint their toe nails.
PAIGE: Ahhhh, guys, I am freaking out!
SIERRA: Oh, shush, this time tomorrow, you’ll be a married woman!
PAIGE: AHHHHH! I am getting so nervous!
KATHLEEN: No, no need to panic now. Do what I do: pop a few valium, drink some water, take a nap and you’ll wake up when it’s all over.
SIERRA: Since when do you do that?
KATHLEEN: Well, do you remember our college graduation ceremony?
KATHLEEN: I don’t.
PAIGE: (Laughs.) Kathleen, you always know how to make me smile!
KATHLEEN: Uhhhh, I wasn’t-
PAIGE: I’m feeling a lot better, thanks for spending today with me. I had a lot of fun, you two really helped take my mind off this whole thing. You’re the best! (hugs those two)
MO: (bursts through the door wearing a scarf with her arms loaded) Sorry it took me so long, guys! (looks over, see all three girls starring at her, still embracing) Oh, shit. Did I miss another “moment?” Damnit, don’t have those without me! Anyway, I got the dresses hemmed, final plans confirmed, and rehearsal dinner party is waiting for you downstairs, the limo going to be waiting at eleven to take us to the bachelorette party, and the cob salad you bought me? Yes, it DID have eggs in it. (takes off scarf, revealing red blotches on her neck)
PAIGE: Ehhhh, just blame it on the bachelorette party. When am I supposed to be there again?
MO: Eleven.
PAIGE: Fantastic. Thanks, biotch! (air kisses)
SIERRA: Did you pick up my hat from the drycleaner’s?
MO: Yes! Now, Sierra, why did you send that in again? This was like the third time.
SIERRA: (laughs nervously) Oh, don’t you have that childlike nightmare that someone put their head into your extremely ridiculous, (to PAIGE) while incredibly tasteful and not altogether unpleasant, bridesmaid’s hat while you weren’t looking and infested it with millions of lice?
SIERRA: Kind of like when you were in second grade and you and your very best friend borrowed your bike helmet and you had to get your head shaved and your older brother kept calling you Sonic the Hedgehog until your mother just moved your room to the first floor so she wouldn’t have to hear your sobbing yourself to sleep nightly?
MO: No, Sierra, I feel like that all the time. (Shoots a “WTF?”  look to the other girls)
SIERRA: (laughs nervously again, shoves her hat on her head, holds it to her head for a second and exhales like she’s in pain).
MO: Kathleen, here’s yours.
KATHLEEN: Do I have to?
SIERRA: (quieter, as an aside to KATHLEEN) Solidarity.
PAIGE: It looks beautiful.
SIERRA: If I have to, you do.
PAIGE: It’s my family’s tradition.
SIERRA: Don’t forget that its Paige’s day and she wants what she wants.
PAIGE: (at same time) It’s my day and I want what I want!
SIERRA: It’s too bad they’re just atrocious.
PAIGE:  It’s too bad they’re just not bigger.
MO: We should be getting ready for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, girls.
PAIGE: Right, so Maureen, I have been meaning to thank you for being in my wedding, especially in lieu of the recent events…
MO:  You mean Boo cheating on me and ruining our marriage after two months?
KATHLEEN: No, no, no, nobody would ever want to bring that horrible event up!
SIERRA: Yeah, she was just referring to… your… haircut.
KATHLEEN: Sierra! We got this!
MO: No, that’s no problem. I’m really over him. I mean, he broke me. There’s no part of me left that’s big enough to care about him.
PAIGE: Good, good. Then we should probably discuss our arrangements for the couples of the bridal party. Sierra, you’re with Pete; Kathleen, you’re with Liam; (under her breath) Mo you’re with Boo… (normal speaking voice) My sister-in-law is with Robert.
MO: Wait. What did you just say?
PAIGE: My sister-in-law is with Robert?
MO: Who did you just say I’m with??
KATHLEEN: Mo, I thought you were over him?
PAIGE: It’s for height reasons!
MO: I’m your maid of honor!
PAIGE: and Boo is Ryan’s best man! So we have to have you walk with him!
MO: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you would do this to me! You were supposed to be my friend!
PAIGE: It’s the day before my wedding! You’re upsetting me and its probably screwing up my botox, so I’m just gonna keep smiling until you stop being so selfish and come to your senses. (smiles cheerily through a couple of dirty looks)
MO: (breathes deeply) You’re right. It’s your day.
PAIGE: Oh, thank God!!! Thank you so much Maureen. Now, let’s all get changed. Also, Mo? I saw you had your dress for tonight laid out on your bed, and it’s this mauve color? Which really doesn’t go with your skin? So I put out one of Kathleen’s alternative dresses for you.
MO: What?
PAIGE: It’ll be just like when you were growing up, sharing clothes?
MO: (picks up a drink on the rocks) I had to wait 20 years to get out of that!
PAIGE: Charmingly reminiscent, am I right?
SIERRA: Of course!
PAIGE: I’ll see you guys downstairs!
MO: (downs some of her drink) Do we have anything stronger than this?
SIERRA: That’s water, dear.
MO: (stares at her glass, disgusted) I knew it.
KATHLEEN: Here (hands Mo a couple of pills) take two of these and you won’t be able to feel your face.
MO: (laughs, glances to SIERRA, who shakes her head solemnly) I’ll… I’ll just… hold onto them for now. Thanks, sis.
KATHLEEN: I got you.
MO: Alright, ladies, let’s go! (Drinks the rest of her water, exhales sharply) Now I’m feeling it.
SIERRA: That was still only…
KATHLEEN: (shushes SIERRA) Let’s go. (SIERRA and KATHLEEN shuffle out of the room, leaving MO by herself)
MO: (picks up her replacement dress, cringes.) Ahhh, Boo. Why did you do this to me? (music cue: Expiration Date by Pomplamoose : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jM2YwhaNCc)
Waiting for nothing to start
It’s getting late
Why don’t we call it a day
I could easily go for a drink
Watching you shrink
This isn’t easy to say
But I’d like to get over
I’d like to get over Boo.
Never knew love was a fad
Boo fooled me bad
Wish Boo were easy to hate
But I’m stuck in the middle for now
Wondering how
I entertain this debate
And I’d like to get over
I’d like to get over Boo
Why did Boo stop
Doing the things Boo did
To make me fall
When did Boo start
Framing my dreams
To hang on his white walls
Dinner for two lost its taste
When I embraced
All of his leftover bait
And I wish we had never gone stale
But who could tell
His expiration date
Oh I’d like to get over
I’d like to get over Boo
Why did Boo stop
Building our little home
The picket fence
When did Boo start
Complimenting in past
And future tense
Wandering through my mind
As you once were
Hoping that I’ll come back
When you’re the last man on earth
I guess that I should have known
Throw the first stone
If you feel perfect today
Oh I’d like to get over
I’d like to get over Boo
(lights up on a scene with ROBERT, PETE, MIKE, RYAN, LIAM, BOO.  MIKE is at the bar, cleaning a cup or something, the rest of the MEN are at the bar, PETE is just entering the scene when the scene begins)
PETE: Hey, boys.
RYAN: Hey, Pete.
PETE: What’s going on?
LIAM: We’re trying to decide whether Paige told Mo that Boo’s going to be walking down the aisle with her… Again.
BOO: Thanks.
PETE: She still doesn’t know?
RYAN: Nope! Paige has kept her busy running around to the point that she doesn’t really have time to worry about who she’s paired with.
(offstage, we hear a scream “YOU HAVE ME WALKING DOWN THE AISLE WITH MY EX-HUSBAND???” all MEN exchange a look.)
LIAM: I think she’s ok with it.
MIKE: (to PETE) Can I get you something to drink?
PETE: I’ll take a Jack and Ginger?
MIKE: Comin’ right up. (to BOO) Want anything stronger?
BOO: No, no, no, I can’t go much stronger.
MIKE: That’s water.
BOO: What?
MIKE: Nothing. Enjoy your drink, sir.
ROBERT: Barkeep, I want one of those really big, colorful drinks with fruit and an umbrella?
MIKE: Uh, ok.
ROBERT: I want it so big; it needs a NORMAL size umbrella.
MIKE: Is there anything specific I can interest you in?
ROBERT: (pause) no.
RYAN: Is there any reason you ordered that?
ROBERT: I’m gonna be stuck with your sister all wedding long.
PETE: I forgot all about that, (to MIKE) make it a double?
RYAN: She’s not that bad!
ROBERT: (all look at ROBERT) She’s like a tornado and everyone has a trailer.
LIAM: (all look at LIAM) She called me fat.
PETE: (All look at PETE) She started a blog about my beard.
MIKE: (all look at MIKE) Shoot, I just work here.
ROBERT: Yes, but does she seem like the kind of girl you would want to hang out with?
MIKE: Well…
BOO: Robert, don’t exploit the help!
RYAN: You gotta admit that blog was extremely flattering!
PETE: My facial hair does not deserve to be treated as its own entity!
LIAM: It was a lot nicer than personal remarks about your body image.
RYAN: Come off it, Liam.
LIAM: She just needs to learn that her words hurt people.
PETE: Hey, Liam, why don’t you stuff your face some more?
LIAM: I am not fat!
RYAN: Anyway, what ended up happening with you and Mo?
BOO: I don’t really feel like talking about it.
PETE: He cheated on her with the maid!
LIAM: Wah-wow.
BOO: Hey!
RYAN: What? Why would you do that?
BOO: She was stressed all the time, and we weren’t doing it, she was always just TALKING to me, and was caught up in all these “responsibilities” that I just didn’t understand.
MIKE: So you slept with the maid?
BOO: Uh… yeah, I guess.
LIAM: Wah-wow.
BOO: Stop DOING that!
ROBERT: (to MIKE) Sounds like a tool kinda, right?
BOO: Robert! Stop exploiting the help, damnit!
MIKE: I don’t mind. I’ve been married for almost a year.
BOO: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, and I mean, there are a ton of things that she does that seem crazy and annoying to you now, but they’ve really become the things that make her who she is.
PETE: Yeah, I mean, Sierra can drive me insane.
RYAN: But?
PETE: Oh, I’m just saying she can drive me insane. (to MIKE) How ‘bout that double?
BOO: What about you, Ryan?
RYAN: Paige has a ton of quirks, but I’m marrying her anyway.
LIAM: Kathleen’s no saint either….
MIKE: Bet you mine’s crazier. (music cue: Antonia by Motion City Soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GBeZ7KhNj4)
MIKE: She makes a lot of abstract art.
LIAM: She haggles for the cheapest price.
RYAN: She never orders take-out food before ten o'clock at night.
ROBERT: She's really into snow mobiles.
PETE: She owns a lot of nice flashlights.
LIAM: She cares for all the stupid cats that never found their way home.
MIKE: She shaves her legs with ginsu knives.
ROBERT: She quotes a lot of Annie Hall.
PETE: She “misplaced” her virginity back in 1995.
RYAN: She's what's keeping me alive; she's the pizza of my eye; without her near me I would not survive.
ROBERT, RYAN, MIKE, PETE and LIAM: It gets cold when she's not around, I float until I sink and get swallowed up, It's so cold when she's not around, I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine.
PETE: She's always eating Captain Crunch.
LIAM: She sings a lot of Ben Folds Five.
ROBERT: She's scared to death of cobra snakes, just like Indiana Jones.
RYAN: She tells the dumbest knock-knock jokes.
LIAM: She drinks a lot of Chardonnay.
MIKE: She hates the way I comb my hair, but she married me last June. She was the bride I was the groom. I cried a lot and then we spooned. Without her in my life, I would be doomed.
ROBERT, RYAN, MIKE, PETE and LIAM: It gets cold when she's not around, I float until I sink and get swallowed up, It's so cold when she's not around, I wait for her to come home and tell me I'll be fine.
BOO: Tell me I'll be fine.
PETE: She loves the smell of Christmas trees.
ROBERT: She sneezes when she sees bright lights.
MIKE: She fainted on the kitchen floor, when her father passed away. Our baby girl is due this May. And when the little lady grows up, I hope that she will be just like her mother.
BOO: I don’t know about all that.
ROBERT: Right, why don’t you consult the maid about it?
BOO: Would everyone just get off my ass?
RYAN: Guys, it’s my wedding, shouldn’t we be celebrating?
PETE: We’re actually gonna be late to the rehearsal dinner if we don’t get out of here soon.
LIAM: Alright, let’s go.
(ALL MEN down their drinks, except BOO who puts his cup to his lips, gives it a dirty look, and puts it back down)
(lights up on a scene of the couple in the middle, the procession lined up as they would at the end of the wedding ceremony.)
PRIEST: I now present to you for the first time, Paige and Ryan Johnson! (to the couple) and then, you’ll walk.
PAIGE: Thank you, father. And thank you to everyone here today! You’ve really made today special for me … (starts to sob) Mo, hold this. (hands her the bouquet of ribbons from the bridal shower)
RYAN: Paige, its fine, sweetheart.
PAIGE: I can’t believe all the money I spent on this damn botox. (still smiling cheerily) I just want to express emotion.
RYAN: (Escorts PAIGE offstage as she continues to ramble on) Everyone, please take five, we’ll be back for the dinner soon.
PAIGE: (wails)
(the men’s half of the room freezes and goes dark while the following takes place on the women’s side)
 MO: (reaches into her jacket, pulls out a flask, looks around)
SIERRA: (catches MO being sneaky) Maureen, you’re not drinking, are you?
MO: No… (drinks some) Now, I’m drinking. Here I go again. (takes another swig)
SIERRA: Maureen!
MO: What? You’re lucky that I didn’t take those pills, too!
KATHLEEN: That’s right. Wait for the alcohol to settle to take ‘em. Can I..?
MO: Please! (hands over her flask)
SIERRA: I feel like I’m everyone’s Designated Morals today! Can you see this is not a good time to be drinking? Mo, Boo is here!
MO: Then it’ll be just like how he first met me. Charmingly reminiscent, aren’t I? (mocking laughter. Their half of the scene freezes with the flask to her lips)
(Men’s side lights up, as the women’s dims.)
LIAM: Has Maureen talked to you yet?
BOO: Am I still breathing?
LIAM: Yes?
BOO: Then she hasn’t talked to me yet.
 ROBERT: Still have that Maureen-induced asthma?
BOO: Very funny.
PETE: Some liquid courage, mate? (takes a flask out of his jacket pocket)
LIAM: What? Are you from the prohibition or something?
ROBERT: You remind me of my mother.
LIAM: Seriously, dude, what’s with the flask?
PETE: Well, Maureen and I went on this crazy adventure in college, and since we couldn’t get like, best-friends-forever bracelets, and picture frames are kinda girly; we got flasks.
ROBERT: Why don’t you ever get anything in memory of OUR adventures?
PETE: I did get things to remember our adventures by. They’re called scars. (rolls up his sleeve as their scene freezes and switches to the girls’ side once more.)
MO: (puts the flask down) Woah, that’s the most drunk I’ve ever gotten from a single sip.
SIERRA: Maureen, I’m panicking.
KATHLEEN: Why don’t you just…
SIERRA: You are NOT my pharmacist!
KATHLEEN: Hey! It’s ok.
SIERRA: I need to talk to Pete… Besides, don’t you guys think we should be mingling?
MO: Why?
SIERRA: It’s the right thing to do.
KATHLEEN: Ryan’s sister had the right idea. Just not showing up?
MO: Amen.
SIERRA: Come on, ladies.
(the following couples move to separate areas of the stage to create their own stages the groups are as follows: PETE and SIERRA, MO and BOO, KATHLEEN and LIAM, ROBERT and the PRIEST)
Stage 1
SIERRA: Can you believe this wedding?
PETE: Yeah, it’s crazy.
SIERRA: You smell like alcohol.
PETE: Pssshh. Honey, please.
SIERRA: Peter. You smell like Robert’s mother. You’re telling me you haven’t been drinking?
PETE: Yes!
SIERRA: Hmm.  Regardless, you need to unroll your sleeve. “Spring Break 2007” is showing.
PETE: Yes, dear.
Stage 2
BOO: So…
MO: No.
BOO: I haven’t even said anything yet.
MO: The last remark will do.
BOO: But…
MO: Ah! No, no, no. Use economy with your words. We’re in a recession.
Stage 3
LIAM: How’s Mo holding up?
KATHLEEN: Eh, she’s fine.
LIAM: Good, good.
LIAM: Well-
KATHLEEN: What are you saying?
LIAM: I’m just-
KATHLEEN: Why don’t you ever ask how I’m doing?
LIAM: How many uppers have you taken?
LIAM: Ok, on a scale from Lindsey Lohan to Amy Winehouse, where are you?
KATHLEEN: I’d say I’m at a “George Bush” level.
LIAM: How are you still standing?
Stage 4
(PRIEST & ROBERT just stare at each other. ROBERT is obviously freaked out)
PRIEST: You know I’m a normal person, right?
ROBERT: (nods)
PRIEST: (crosses himself)
PETE: Robert is stuck with the priest, should we intervene?
SIERRA: Of course. But first you have a little shmutz… (licks finger to wipe his face)
PETE: Sierra! I’m not a baby!
Stage 2
BOO: I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.
MO: Really? Me too.
BOO: Really?
MO: No.
Stage 3
KATHLEEN: Ya know what I like?
LIAM: What?
KATHLEEN: How small my hands are, they’re just tiny! Look at these things!
LIAM: Yeah.
KATHLEEN: What was I talking about?
Stage 4
PRIEST: Are you just going to keep looking at me?
ROBERT: (just keeps staring.)
PRIEST: I’m just going to leave. OK?
ROBERT: (just keeps staring.)
PRIEST: I’ll pray for you.
ROBERT: (lets out an extremely high pitched gasp as PRIEST walks away, exiting the stage)
Stage 1
(follow spot on PETE and SIERRA as they walk over to ROBERT.)
PETE: Hey, Rob, how’d that go?
ROBERT: (Lets out another extremely high-pitched gasp)
PETE: That’s what I thought.
SIERRA: What’s his problem with priests?
PETE: He doesn’t have a problem with priests.
PETE: Yeah, he has a problem with hair pieces.
SIERRA: Ohh, I see!
Stage 3          
(LIAM and KATHLEEN have joined MO and BOO at this point.)
LIAM: Hey, kids! You seem to be getting along.
BOO: Every time I try to be nice she yells at me.
MO: See, now, this is why you were shunned in second grade: no one likes a tattle-tail.
KATHLEEN: Why don’t you guys just get along for the next day, and then you can go back to hating each other?
MO: Deal.
BOO: But I don’t hate her.
MO: Too bad. I’ve moved on.
LIAM: But what about the maid?
BOO: That was a mistake, I never really intended to hurt you. (to KATHLEEN and LIAM) Can we have another minute alone please? (music cue: Nothing Better by The Postal Service http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itbk-7jureU)
Would someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

MO: I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So, please back away and let me go.
BOO: I can't my darling I love you so...
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.
MO: Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.
BOO: I admit that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again.
MO: You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance, so, say goodbye
Say goodbye.
(BOO walks away dejected.)
MO: Good riddance.
LIAM: That was kinda intense.
MO: What?
LIAM: That wasn’t even a rejection. That wasn’t even just a straight denial; that was a year of pent up rage released mercilessly.
MO: Don’t preach to me, Liam.
LIAM: I’m just saying that maybe part of you wants to forgive him. Hear me out. I think you might be too distracted by your hate and contempt to find any peace and reason.
MO: “George Bush” level?
LIAM: Yup.
(Lights up at dinner. All aforementioned parties are there. Complete silence is over the table, some people play with their food, no one is eating. LIAM’s plate is empty )
ROBERT: So, um, Kathleen, how are you doing?
ROBERT: Good. Great.
PAIGE: Good, Robert. Ask the bridesmaid how she’s doing.
RYAN: Paige, how are you feeling?
PAIGE: I’m excited but there are still a lot of things on my mind. I need to press my veil, I need to double check my hair appointment… (PAIGE continues to chatter on)
MO: (to ROBERT) Hey, I’m gonna slip out for a minute. Cover for me?
ROBERT: How would I even do that?
MO: I don’t know, use your imagination.
ROBERT: Right. (MO slips away to an offset scene of the bar with MIKE the tender) My imagination… my imagination… uh…
PAIGE: Robert, where’s Mo?
ROBERT: This food sucks.
PAIGE: (breaks down crying)
PETE: Thank God, I was waiting for someone to say something about this crap.
ROBERT: Don’t yell at him!
LIAM: I didn’t think it was bad.
SIERRA: You finished yours already? We just sat down!
RYAN: (to Kathleen) My sister was right about you!
PAIGE: Why is no one soothing me?
RYAN: Hush, darling. It’s a great meal.
KATHLEEN: (scoffs)
PAIGE: (wails some more as the lights shift to MO and MIKE)
MO: Can I have a drink please?
MIKE: What can I get you?
MO: Anything alcoholic.
MIKE: Are you alright?
MO: I’m fine. I just want this whole wedding to be over.
MIKE: Oh, you must be Maureen.
MO: Yeah- my friends call me Mo. How did you know?
MIKE: Well you were either Maureen or Ryan’s sister.
(back to the other side of the scene.)
SIERRA: Paige, Robert’s just being a jerk. Don’t worry about the food, it’s really, really tasty!
PAIGE: Tasty like cat food!
KATHLEEN: Robert, this might be the worst thing you’ve done.
SIERRA, PETE, LIAM, RYAN and ROBERT: No, it’s not.
ROBERT: Do you remember Lucy DelMonaco?
RYAN: I heard she passed away?
PAIGE: (wails) POOR LUCY! (beat) who was she?
ROBERT: My girlfriend. Well, my ex, now.
RYAN: Robert… you murdered your girlfriend?
ROBERT: (chuckles to himself. Music cue: My Girlfriend’s Dead by The Vandals: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MQfgMETK_w    click.) I once had a girlfriend
But then one day she dumped me
And everywhere I'd go
People would ask me
Where she was
I don't want to talk about her
But someone always asks about her
So I tell them all my girlfriend's dead.
I say it's leukemia,
Or sometimes bulimia,
Or a great big truck ran her over
And chopped off her head.
I don't want to talk about her.
But someone always asks about her.
So I tell them all she's dead.
I guess there's a part of me
That likes the sympathy
Of the looks on their faces
When I tell them how she passed away.
I don't want to talk about her,
But someone always asks about her,
So i tell them all she's dead.
My girlfriend's dead
My girlfriend's dead you see
It's a total lie
But it's easier on me
Than having to admit
That she likes someone else.
My girlfriend's dead
My girlfriend's dead you know
Please change the subject
Or I'm going to go
Jump off a building
And join her in heaven.
I don't want to talk about her
But someone always asks about her
So I tell them all she's dead.
I once had a girlfriend.
But then one day she dumped me.
And everywhere I'd go
People would ask me
Where she was.
I don't want to talk about her.
But someone always asks about her
So I tell them all my girlfriend's dead
I don't want to talk about her.
But someone always asks about her
So I tell them all my girlfriend's dead.
SIERRA: I’m speechless.
PETE: Yeah, you should have seen Lucy’s mom when she started receiving baked goods and sympathy cards.
ROBERT: She should have thanked me for that!
KATHLEEN: There is really no limit to how horrendous you are, is there?
ROBERT: Yes there is!
PETE: You say inappropriate things to both children and the elderly.
SIERRA: You’re an insufferable music snob.
LIAM: You’re very moody.
KATHLEEN: You embarrassed a priest because he was wearing a hair piece.
SIERRA: Don’t you ever ask yourself W.W.J.D.?
ROBERT: Who Was Johnny Depp?
LIAM: Wah-wow.
PETE: I think I just had a revelation. You are what the bartender was talking about. A lot of the things you do are annoying or crazy, but in the end they make you who you are.
ROBERT: Thanks?
PETE: You’re welcome. No homo.
ROBERT: Appreciated.
(scene switches to MO and MIKE)
MIKE: Why’s your neck so splotchy?
MO: Can I have that drink to go?
MIKE: Sure. Why?
MO:  Today really isn’t my day and you, of all people, just aren’t listening.
MIKE: Because as a bartender, I’m expected to be everyone’s therapist?
MO: No, because as a bartender, you’re expected to give me any variety of alcoholic beverages, which you still haven’t done. Usually bartenders are hired because of their personality and willingness to listen to their customers. So, you are failing on several levels, my friend.
MIKE: (slides the drink to MO) Are you sure you aren’t Ryan’s sister?
MO: (Sips the drink) You realize that you’re not getting a tip for this, don’t you?
MIKE: You realize I gave you a dirty glass, don’t you?
(SCENE switches back)
LIAM: All I’m trying to say is that if it were only a three hour tour, why would you bring all those changes of clothing?
KATHLEEN: This is the fifth time you’ve brought up this in conversation.
LIAM: I just want everyone to understand the complete stupidity of the premise of the show.
PAIGE: Thank you for that ever-so-timely reference.
ROBERT: You know what else? I don’t think the S. S. Minnow could even safely carry that many people.
LIAM: Maybe that’s why it didn’t make it back to their harbor?
SIERRA: I don’t think this is relevant.
WAITER: Excuse me, is one of you Miss Polesnak?
PAIGE: Miss Polesnak is my cat. I’m Paige. What can I do for you?
WAITER: We have a vender on the phone for you, something about the flowers for your wedding?
PAIGE: What? Be right there. (gets up to leave, runs into MO who is just returning)
MO: Oh, hey.
PAIGE: Where were you?
MO: Uh, getting you a drink. (hands her the drink she was carrying) I mean, you need something to wash down that food…
PAIGE: (sips it) Ugh, it tastes like a dirty martini but not in a good way. You can just keep it. I have to find out about these flowers (bustles off stage).
ROBERT: (to MO) What’s going on?
MO: What do I know?
PAIGE: (bustles back on stage) Maureen, can you help me with the floral people? I can’t understand their accents.
MO: They’re from Pennsylvania.
PAIGE: Can’t you just help meeeeeee?
MO: Ugh, fine.
PAIGE: And while you’re on the phone with them can you just tell them that I want two more corsages for Ryan and my mother?
MO: Yes ma’am.
PAIGE: Best. Bridesmaid. Ever.
SIERRA: Paige, I don’t think that Maureen is enjoying her Maid of Honorship as much as you are.
PAIGE: I know, but she loves doing this stuff, I’m just enabling her.
SIERRA: I suppose that’s true.
KATHLEEN: So, she’s doing her thing, we’re all starving to death, what should we do now?
LIAM: Get food elsewhere?
KATHLEEN: If you give me twenty minutes, I swear I can make you the best brownies. Ever.
SIERRA: That concerns me.
PAIGE: I had a few earlier, they were fantastic.
SIERRA: That concerns me further! Pete!
PETE: What?
SIERRA: Say something!
PETE: Uh… yeah, so why would the Skipper even hire Gilligan if he can’t stand him?
SIERRA: You’re all crazy.
RYAN: Don’t fight it.
SIERRA: Stop that!
MO: (re-enters) Okay, everything is set for tomorrow.
PETE: You have something on your face.
MO: Oh, yeah, I found some brownies and I had to have one… and another, and another surprisingly.
KATHLEEN: What? Hey, that was her choice.
MO: My hands are so small!
PAIGE: They are!
RYAN: What happened to the florist sweetie?
PAIGE: I don’t know.
MO: Crisis averted.
PAIGE: Thank God!
RYAN: Good for you, sweetie. You are handling this whole thing really well. I’m very proud of you.
PAIGE: It hasn’t been easy.
RYAN: Hey, has anyone seen Boo?
PAIGE: I haven’t seen him since the rehearsal. Mo, have you seen him?
MO: Me? No. In my limited experience, if you haven’t seen him in while, he jumped in bed with the maid.
ROBERT: Oh, man. Do you have any idea how many there are in this hotel?? We’ll never find him!
KATHLEEN: Shut up, Robert. Let’s be realistic for a minute. Ryan, your sister isn’t here, she’s probably not coming. Boo is missing, so we’re back to even numbers. Should we really look that hard for him?
RYAN: He’s my best man!
MO: I have known MANY better men, Ryan.
RYAN: Are you saying I have bad taste in people?
PAIGE: (clears throat) Uh…
MO: I meant except for Paige.
ALL: (ad lib) Of course not! You’re marrying Paige! What a catch! She’s going to be a beautiful bride! You guys make the perfect couple!
PAIGE: Nice try.
RYAN: I love you?
PAIGE: Nice.
KATHLEEN: Things are getting kind of intense right now… I think we should all move on to our respective parties, last night on the town as single people?
PAIGE: Boys, no drinking tonight. I want my Ry-Ry fresh for the wedding tomorrow.
ROBERT: Paige! We would never let him drink at his bachelor party!
PETE: Or go to a strip club!
LIAM: Or have a good time!
PETE: DEFINITELY not have a good time!
SIERRA: Just be safe, please? Pete, I put an extra twenty dollars in your wallet, with the address of the hotel written on it, so if you get too (whispers) drunk (back to normal speaking voice) you can catch a cab. Also I wrote it on the back of your undershirt if you lose your wallet, as well as on your forearm if you lose your shirt by some twist of fate.
PETE: What? (Rolls up sleeve) “If found please return to 186 South Crescent Street…”?
SIERRA: See? I used the scar from “Finals All Nighter 2006” to cross the t’s!
PETE: How did you even get this on me?
SIERRA: You were playing xbox.
ROBERT: That’s concentration.
PETE: (music cue: Want You Bad by The Offspring: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovvEiu_b9ss or click) Woah… Sierra, I am a grown man. And while I love how nurturing you are and how well you take care of me, you have to let me do my thing sometimes! You’re not my mom: you’re my girlfriend. And, well,
 If you could only read my mind
You would know that things between us
Ain't right
I know your arms are open wide
But you're a little on the straight side
I can't lie
Your one vice
It's you're too nice
Come around now can you see
I want you
All tattooed
I want you bad
Complete me
Mistreat me
want you to be bad bad bad bad bad
If you could only read my mind
You would know that I've been waiting
So long
For someone almost just like you
But with attitude, I'm waiting
so come on
Get out of “clothes” time
Grow out those highlights
Come around now can't you see
I want you
In a vinyl suit
I want you bad
I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
Don't get me wrong
I know you're only being good
But that's what's wrong
I guess I just misunderstood
I want you
All tattooed
I want you bad
I want you bad
I mean it
I need it
I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
Bad, really really bad
SIERRA: Why didn’t you just say so? (Takes off her hat, throws it to KATHLEEN) Would you hold this for a second?
KATHLEEN: With my hands?
KATHLEEN: I haven’t sanitized in almost an hour.
SIERRA: I know.
KATHLEEN: Well, okay…
SIERRA: (to PETE) Now, let’s go to a night club.
PETE: But you said that people pee on the floor when no one is looking!
SIERRA: I know what I said, but it’s time to live a little! (grabs PETE’s arm to lead him offstage)
PETE: Ow! My arm!
SIERRA: I’m sorry, “Road Trip ’04?”
PETE: No, “Robert’s 21st birthday.”
SIERRA: Don’t be a baby! Let’s go. (leads him offstage)
KATHLEEN: What… Just… Happened…
LIAM: This wedding is messing things up around here.
PAIGE: That’s really insensitive, Liam.
LIAM: Think about it, if Sierra isn’t being everyone’s mom, things are going to start getting crazy.
ROBERT: I’m already beginning a list of things to burn.
LIAM: - And now Boo’s missing. Kathleen’s in a walking coma… I mean, when is it all going to end?
RYAN: Sierra’s gonna get to the club, realize that people actually DO pee on the floors, and come rushing back to lay out our outfits for tomorrow. It’s no big thing.
LIAM: I guess you’re right.
ROBERT: In the mean time, why don’t we forget this whole thing about going out separately and just hang out together?
ALL: (ad lib agreement)
ROBERT: Mo, would you order us all some Chinese, and we’ll pick out a movie on demand, and we’ll have a little party to ourselves in the guys’ suite.
PAIGE: Oh, Maureen, don’t forget that I’m allergic to eggrolls.
MO: No you aren’t!
PAIGE: Yes I am!
MO: You only say that you’re allergic to things when you don’t want to eat them.
KATHLEEN: It’s the night before her wedding, if she wants to be allergic to eggrolls, let her be allergic to eggrolls.
ROBERT: And I’m allergic to everything that ISN’T General Tso’s Chicken, so make it work.
RYAN: I really like pork fried rice and wonton soup.
LIAM: Just get some of everything, and we’ll all pitch in for the bill when you get back.
MO: So, let me get this order straight real quick. A bunch of General Tso’s Chicken, Pork Fried rice, some Wonton soup, and assortment of other stuff so I can make us all a little buffet of Chinese.
PAIGE: Right.
MO: While you all choose the movie we’re going to watch.
LIAM: Yes…
MO: And I run out alone and spend my own money on feeding you all while you indulge in the free champagne, robes, each other’s company and talk about how your lovely friend Maureen just enjoys doing things for others.
ROBERT: It sounds kinda bad when you say it like that.
MO: What, when I say it like it is?
ROBERT: No, I mean… well, yes. But…
MO: Look, I think you guys need some lessons on How to Treat a Maureen. Please, read. I’ve put a lot of thought into this. (Hands over a paper to PAIGE, and walks away)
PAIGE: (Reads) Maureen Shaughnessy requires that people stop being wankers. (to others) I don’t think I should be the one to read this.
KATHLEEN: (Reads) She requires that people think before they walk or talk. She would like for men to be men and women to be rational.
LIAM: (over KATHLEEN’s shoulder) She realizes that she, as a person, is in no position to make these demands, but allowances for her character being a bit flawed must be made.
ROBERT: (snatches the paper and chuckles as he reads) People should not expect her to be continuously charming as sometimes she is just too hungover. Please allow her to be vague and give excuses on days like these, no matter how obviously untrue they are.  (Hands it to PAIGE) Paige, read the next part.
PAIGE: (reads) She's a yes man, so chances are she's trying to please everyone else.
KATHLEEN: (reads) It is imperative she always has someone willing to play with her hair for hours and go for coffee or beer at any time of day or night. However, do not let her win all the time, because she will underhandedly, under the ruse of being super adorable and quirky, walk all over you.
RYAN: (Reads) Maureen will, very likely, always be this way or always appear to be this way, so don't please make a purchase thinking it's a fixer upper situation. She reserves the right that she doesn't have to call anyone day or night and expect them to be thrilled once she HAS called.
LIAM: (MUSIC CUE: How far We’ve Come by: Matchbox 20 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSbz9su2jUg) She hates ignorant people, mushrooms, and boys with better hair than hers (of each, we can assume there are many).
Lights down. BOO on spot to the side of the group
BOO: What she loves: are windy days, people who give second and third chances
Lights up on MO on the other side of the group
MO: and people who read instructions in the hope of better understanding.
Lights down, light up on the other side of the group, where SIERRA and PETE are at MIKE’s bar
SIERRA: I don’t see why after all this time, you still don’t want me to go to the club with you.
PETE: This is good enough for me, I just wanted you to loosen up.
SIERRA: I feel like I’m…
Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it's feeling just like every other morning before,
PAIGE: Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
MO: The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
LIAM: Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?
ROBERT: I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
ALL: Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
KATHLEEN: Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
ALL: Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
PETE: I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
PAIGE: Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
BOO: (from another part of the stage) I started running but there's nowhere to run to
I sat down on the street took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
SIERRA: Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to
MO: I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
ALL: Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
LIAM:  Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
ALL: Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
RYAN: It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
BOO: It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
RYAN & PAIGE: Well it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
BOO & MO: Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

ALL: I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come