Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Whistling: Horrible and Great

It's Finals

   Whistling is both fantastic and terrible. I love whistling because: 1. I am pretty good at it, 2. Depressed people don’t whistle, so if I’m whistling, life is going better than terribly. Now the problem that comes with whistling is that it is a contagious idea. When I hear someone whistling, I usually come to the slow realization that I am neglecting my own abilities, and begin whistling right along. It is only after about a minute and a half of this more-than-awesome orchestral-type duet that I come to my next realization: That we are not whistling the same thing.
   Not only this, but everyone around us has begun to get incredibly annoyed. This is usually followed by an immediate recession of my whistling, confidence, self esteem, and desire to whistle ever again. In that order. Now, after this ordeal is forgotten, I usually end up hearing a song with some whistling in it (Don’t Worry, Be Happy is a major suspect in this) and think it’s a great idea. This could go one of two ways. I can start whistling a good song, staying on pitch and key OR, I could decide to whistle with my headphones in, horribly and at volumes I cannot realistically gauge considering my current hearing-impaired circumstance.
   I also hate whistling around my friends, because they, then, catch the contagious whistle-lust, and begin to whistle, also. As I said, previously, I am a pretty good whistler. I am a snob and will then stop whistling just so that the other person can stop murdering my sonata. Sometimes, though, I choose to whistle extremely loud, or merely hold the same note until they get the point that I am supreme at whistling, and they should not have challenged such an adversary.
  On a related note, it is exactly 6 AM. It is finals week. I have been awake for about 46-odd hours now. What brought on this blog post was the fact that there is a man sitting in the common study area with his headphones in, whistling. Whistling the same song he has been whistling for the past two hours while his friends discuss World of Warcraft strategy. I am in pain. Short of actually going up to him, and explaining the “studying situation” that everyone else is undergoing, the only retaliation I can think of, speaking in their own language is talking loudly about how my “guild” is “doing some serious empirical studies,” requiring complete “silence” (which is in quotations because I could go for any other sort of noise other than this dude’s whistling. Pigs squealing, perhaps. Silence is not required. “Silence,” that is the absence of whistling, however, is imperative.)
   Then again, I’d probably get called a n00b (which, for the records, Microsoft Word accepted as a real word with arms wide open. No red squiggly marks here!) for using improper verbiage when it comes to WoW. To which, I will proudly announce that I have been kissed, and watch them shrink away in sadness and shame… At least their avatars have been in the pubs lately, chattin’ up all sorts of fly digital honey! (Did I mention it’s 6 AM, and I didn’t get up early, but have rather stayed up late? Twice? Consecutively?)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Literally, It was an Epic Fail.

Like, Legit.

   Hey, neighbors. Just thought I’d literally drop an epic note for you, and I hope you find it legit. It would literally break my heart if you think it’s a fail, though… Right. I thought that we should have a little talk today on the verbiage of our generation and their use of the words “literally,” “epic,” “fail,” and “legit.”
   When you say “literally”… you mean “actually” and “without exaggeration.” It is not synonymous with “very.” So when you say “I am literally bursting with laughter.” Everyone around you should start slowly backing away, because you are actually going to burst. So keep this in mind and when you hear someone say “I am literally peeing my pants!” you can have the confidence of looking at them an assessing the fact that they either 1. Don’t know the meaning of the word, 2. Know the meaning of the word, but doesn’t have the presence of mind to know when to use it properly or 3. Have an extremely overactive bladder.
   Things that are “epic”… are things that are larger than life, such as the ocean, or perhaps God, and a genre of literature where heroes reach their goals despite seemingly insurmountable odds. I’m sorry that Beowulf is, in fact, epic, while your last Facebook status about eating burritos is not. Now if your burrito were perhaps, 50 feet tall, or on its way to avenge its village by killing an evil dragon, or trying to deposit a ring in a volcano from whence it was forged, perhaps then, it would be epic. Was it? No? I didn’t think so.
   “Fail” is particularly close to my heart… because it makes the least sense of all of these colloquialisms. The word “fail” is a verb. As in “I failed that test.” You would not say “That test was a fail.” That would be almost like saying “That test was a sneeze.” “Failure,” however, is a noun. “My studying methods were led to my utter failure.” This sentence works perfectly well. Next time you are determining if you are in fact using the word fail properly in a sentence, replace it with the word “sneeze,” if the sentence still works, you are using it properly. If the sentence doesn’t work: don’t use it out loud. For instance: “You sneeze in that class every year!” works. So the sentence “You fail in that class every year!” also works. Well done. I’ll inform your second grade teacher that she didn’t completely fail in her attempts to teach you when to use nouns and verbs.
   The word “legit”… is usually preceded by the filler: “like,” and followed by a question mark. Usually this phrase is asking for the verification of a fact. When looked up in the dictionary, Legitimate refers to something of a legal nature, and the secondary definition means “genuine.” At no point is it defined as “awesome.” “This blog is pretty legit.” Well, I certainly hope that it is legal, and as far as it being genuine, yes, every word of this is mean in a heartfelt manner. I just don’t see the point of saying it out loud.
   Thanks for reading, I hope this helps you in a small way, and leads you to snicker at people when they perpetually use these words incorrectly.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Funny People

And those who think they are

Dear Funny People:
I thought I’d write to find out how you’re doing! I hear that you’ve been using mass emailing to show off how hilarious you are. How’s that working out for you? I was reading the “To” field of your email, and I realized that not only did you include the entire teaching and housekeeping staff of GCC as well as alumni, but also Dr. Vincent DiStasi our chief information officer, himself. You know… the guy who busted you for civil discourse? Not to mention the fact that you sent it to our President Dr. Jewell and his First Lady…
Anyway I was just checking in on you, as I heard you were going to appeal your case to the board, so please let me know how that is going to go! Suit it up, calm it down: as we say in the old country, “don’t talk so much.” With any luck, you’ll be the one case they don’t INCREASE the sentence on, but as I can tell from your sense of humor that will be unlikely to happen.
As the Resident Satirist, I understand the desire for one’s work to be read by all and to be considered hilarious, but I would like to also mention that you have to actually be funny for this to occur! Or if there is no chance of that, please at least be grammatically correct (e.g. “Sounds like a cool story, but if you do read it, be a sponge” is a sentence fragment, and makes me cringe). Being sarcastic is one type of humor, where things are “funny because they’re true.”  Kind of like how your being fined for a really offensive email to the entire student body (and then some) is funny because it’s true.  But let’s not get caught up in the past and poor life decisions. If we wanted to draw attention to offensive mistakes, we could just find someone wearing leggings as pants and write an article on her!
I hope this has been informative, and helpful. If it isn’t, feel free to write Brittany Knowles (THAT’S MY ROOMMATE!).

Paige Polesnak

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Silver is the New Black

The Changing Computer Trend

   From the beginning of time, Grove City College has given each of its students a black HP computer, the newest versions of which are outfitted with the ever-shrinking battery packs, and tablet features. Because of the similarities of each model from generation to generation, this made it difficult to point out freshman without intense investigation. Last year, however, everything changed. The computers issued were silver and the battery pack was so thin it was almost indistinguishable. Thus, even if they weren’t wearing their lanyards, taking forever to beep into meals, or calling Breen Student Union the “STU,” one could still identify freshmen by the color of their HPs.
    This year, an even greater leap was taken, and the computers are not only silver, but also have a huge sticker of the beautiful Rockwell Hall of Sciences on the back. (At first, one couldn’t even recognize it was the GCC campus, as the sky was a blue rather than the typical Grove City Grey, but artistic liberties must be taken in the pursuit of advertisement.) Suddenly, the college-issued computers on campus are evenly balanced between these new, completely pimped-out silver bullets against the huge-battery-pack-laden black dinosaurs.
     Certainly, the possession of the older computers imply the user’s wisdom, campus smarts, and maturity, but it comes at the cost of having an older model, spotty internet access and general crankiness that can only be caused by having to deal with old technology on a continual basis. The possession of a new one, on the other hand, alludes to sophomoric ideals, general awkwardness, and an elaborate knowledge of exactly what has been “Overheard at GCC” as facilitated by speedy Facebook connections.
    Now, rather than continuing to discuss the variety of computers on campus, I’d like to offer Grove City some suggestions for alternative photos to paste on the back of next year’s laptops.
Some Alternative Suggestions for Computer Covers
1.       Dr. Jewell. A photograph of Dr. Jewell would be perfect for the computers, it would be a reminder that we have a president that cares about our school, and is always looking after us, encouraging us to do our best. Even if we can’t make it to the meetings at his GeDunk hours, or missed his many performances on OB-OB, you will have him with you always.
2.       Sherri making an omelet. When times get rough, and the pressure of finals is growing, we can rest in the knowledge that we have an expert omelet maker waiting to serve us every morning; always with a ready spatula, smile and lovingly sarcastic sense of humor.
3.       Darrius Pugh. Dancing.

4.       Sheetz Made to Order Food. The red wrappers, the receipt attached to the warm lump (is it a sub? Is it a hot dog? Is it a pretzel-bun chipotle sandwich? You never know until you open it.), everything we love about the Sheetz phenomenon. Who cares if it lacks eating areas? The ATM machine and general ambiance of being off campus, getting a real college experience really makes up for it.
5.       A photo of a set of engagement rings. Just to remind you the OTHER reason why you’re here, next to the whole education thing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Oh, Hey... You.

How are... you?

   Greetings again, friends! Today’s topic is another one very close to my heart. Let’s talk about the extremes we go to, to lull people into a false sense of importance: especially when we have no idea who they are. Let me elaborate: this campus is not particularly large, and eventually you will recognize the faces that you pass by, even if you don’t know them personally. You may even get to the point that you wave hi purely on the basis of the fact that you see them every day… On occasion, these people somehow figure out your first name, whether it’s through recognizing you on Facebook, or watching you doing an assignment on your computer, or trying every name they can think of in GCC Stalk until they recognize your picture: they figure out who you are and start having more elaborate conversations with you. Months go by, and suddenly, you realize that you have no idea who they actually are. You know their interests, ideals, dreams and the names of their pets and where they’re from, but have no idea who they are. This is when things have gotten too far along for you to be able to ask who they are because, well, that would just be embarrassing for every party involved… So what do you do? Here are a few tactics to help you out…
How to Figure Out Someone’s Name Tactfully
1.       The most effective way I know to do this without hurting anyone’s feelings is to get the person to say their own name. This will require a third party that you are sure the other person doesn’t know. Bring this person with you and start a conversation, suddenly stop and ask, “Wait, do you two know each other?” Mystery Person (MP for short) will say that no, they do not. That’s when you say “Oh, this is Barbie, sorry about that.” And MP will say “Oh, hi, I’m Blah-Blah McBlahgerton.” And just like that: they’ve been had.
2.       Demand that they speak in the third person.
3.       Ask for their middle name, and say that you are going to call them that from now on.
4.       Tell them you are writing them a poem and need to rhyme their name with something. If they say something like “Fyler,” “Mobert,” or “Spiffany,” you’ve got it made.
5.       Tell them that you think a fun activity would be making name tags to wear around for the rest of the day.
6.       Ask for their number, and how to spell their name. “How many different ways do you know to spell Beth?” “Uh… I know how to spell THAT, gosh… I meant your last name.” “Mills?” “Oh. Just wanted to be sure.”
7.       Just call them the wrong name. With any luck, they won’t have the guts to correct you. (Also, if it’s a girl, call her “Emily” or “Rachel.” All the girls at this place are named either Emily or Rachel… You have a 70% chance of being correct.)
8.       Only call them “baby,” “darling,” “honey,” “doll face,” and “you.”
9.       Ask them for their signature, just in case they ever get famous.
10.   Ask someone else if they know MP’s name. I suppose this could have been number one, couldn’t it? But nope! No easy way out for you! Well done, you pass. B-.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Females: We WILL be Late

Dealing With It
Getting ready for a date is an incredibly stressful and worrisome prospect here at GCC. You never know whether things are really “dates” or just hanging out with a friend, or if you both just had similar plans for the day. Needless to say dating on this campus is a mess. Thus, some leniencies must be allowed when your date is preparing herself.
So please understand our anxiety at this prospect! It would be best if you did not get upset… but just plan on us being late. Here are a few translations for you… if we say “five minutes” it means “half hour.” If we ask how we look, and you say “fine,” we take it as a synonym for “bad,” and it will take us another “five minutes” to get into an outfit we feel completely confident in.
I’m sorry that we cannot just roll out of bed, put on what we wore yesterday, and think that’s okay. We have standards because if you didn’t like how we look, you probably wouldn’t have asked us out in the first place. So if we go to our 8, 9, and 10 AM classes looking like a mess, I would like to reserve the right for us to look at least somewhat decent on our way to lunch. That may mean that you need to wait. But upon our arrival, you’re probably going to like the way that we look. We are not trying to be disrespectful. We are just trying to look good enough that makes you want to stick around for a few more dates. So we would love it if you would reciprocate the effort. If we agreed to this date, there is definitely a reason beyond your immediate looks, but they probably aren’t too shabby either.
Some women I used to know back in the day, were all about making their dates wait, just “five minutes.” It wasn’t so much a disrespect thing but a test of how much they really want this date to work out… I, not being the kind of female to torment a respectable man, have never done this sort of thing. However, I have been purposefully late to places, so that I wouldn’t be the first person to arrive, and so that I wouldn’t be the one awkwardly waiting there… It is a horrible feeling I get when I receive the message that my date needs to reschedule, when my other friends run into me and asking who I’m waiting for, while I could have just been late and not needed to make the effort. I feel the same way about being let in to intervis: I’ll call that I’m outside waiting to be let in before I get there, just so I don’t have to look like the creeper waiting outside for someone just to exit so I can swoop in.)
I don’t really think the issue here is a lack of respect going on here so much as a desire to be wanted, and appreciated for our efforts. If anyone wants to talk about this some further, I’ll let you know when I have an extra “five minutes” to sort this out... I’m sure it’ll be “fine.”
Some Things You Can Do to Cope with Our Lateness:
  1. Call us earlier and say you're on your way!
  2. Bring something to do while waiting for us. Resurrect your GameBoy!
  3. Revel in the fact that we now must apologize for being late- how often do we do that?
  4. Look in the mirror. Are you up to our standard? No? Take this time to make that cowlick sit still!
  5. Come up with a compliment to deliver immediately upon our arrival. This will prevent a relapse in our confidence, and lull us into a sense of security. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Print Off This Post...

Keep it in your Pocket.

   Hey, friends, today we are going to talk about something very important. We are going to talk about awkward moments. Now, before your memory is flooded by thoughts of your freshman year, proms, and the first time you ever saw a couple refusing to say good night outside your dorm, I would just like to clarify: awkward moments surround us at all times, and rarely can they be avoided. This having been said, I am going to exploit them to give us something in common to laugh about.
Moments Everyone Wishes they could avoid…
·         Saying hi to someone you see coming your way too early, so that your little socially-required small talk is done and over by the time the person actually reaches you, you have nothing left to say.
·         When people hang out in your room while you get ready for bed and then they just don’t leave. Even after you get into your bed, they’re still hanging out. This goes along with the people who you say goodbye to, then as they leave, take a little too long to shut your door.
·         When you see people you don’t really know waving at you from far away, so you wave back. And then find that they were actually waving to the person behind you.
·         When you go for a pound and the other person goes for the high-five.
·         While walking along and you talk to a person you know and you do your little socially-required chat and say “catch you later!” or something to that effect, and then… you find that the other person is walking the same direction as you. Do you put in your ear buds? Do you struggle for more conversation?
·         When you see your friend going into Wal-Mart, and you say “hi” and continue to run into them another eight times until you just stop greeting them and ignore that they’re there altogether.
·         When you run into your roommate, wearing your clothes.
·         Catching your boyfriend studying in a common area with his friend… Named Tiffany.
·         When you try to hug a friend from behind, and realize… it’s just someone wearing a similar jacket.
·         While showering, the self-timed lights go out. Well, shoot.
·           Bursting into your MWF 8 AM classroom late, only to find that it’s Tuesday.
·         Getting denied admission to chapel for being late.
·         Causing a door alarm to go off because you got enthralled in a really good conversation.
·         Laughing at something hilarious online in the middle of a lecture… on the holocaust.
·         Trying to put a cookie in the conveyor toaster, and getting yelled at by an elderly Bon Appétit staffer for endangering everyone’s life.
·         Audibly saying “Oh, man, I wouldn’t do that,” when someone makes a false move in chess, on their computer, again, in the middle of a lecture, again, on the holocaust.
·         Not knowing how to properly conclude an article once it’s begun. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Admit It!

You've Done This
   Oh, man. Did anyone see that? No? Okay… that girl did, but she’s a freshman, so whatever. Oh, man, I’m not doing that again. There are many things that we do on this campus that we don’t want anyone to find out about. Thus, I have created a list of the vanities that we commit within our time here, that everyone really does.
You Have…
·         CHECKED YOURSELF OUT in the mirror-like windows of the Physical Learning Center.
·         MISTOOK the statue of Mr. Pew in the garden by Harbison for a person, he is, admittedly, a creepy looking guy, but compared to most of the men made out of precious metals I know, he’s one of the friendlier. (King Midas, the Tin Man, and C3PO included, of course.)
·         CREEPED on a couple from your dorm room window. You may have even cheered them on. Along these lines, you have definitely seen the couple that insists on saying their goodbyes far beyond their expiration date, and have just slinked into your dorm behind them.
·         BEEN the long-goodbye couple. At least once in your career here at GCC, you have either been one of them, or will be at some point. Please, have your long, creepy goodbye somewhere else. When you get to the door: say goodbye once, hug briefly (if you’ve already “hugged it out” like you should have, it shouldn’t be too tough) and depart to your respective places.
·         BEEN STOPPED by the ridiculously heavy doors in HAL. You have also been trapped holding the door open for about thirty other people entering, frozen, praying someone would take your place, but no one does. At that point, you just wish a panda would come take you out of your misery.
·         MISSED church on a Sunday and wore sweats to Sunday Brunch. I’ve heard it said that this is the Grove City College “Walk of Shame.”
·         PROPPED a door open until the alarm went off. (This is often the result of a long goodbye… just so you can see all the hell that’s breaking loose because of these goodbyes!)
·         BEEN FOOLED by the weather: gotten caught in a torrential downpour, been caught in class when the weather decides to get forty degrees cooler than it was when you first went in, or at least overdressed for how hot it gets midweek, for about an hour.
·         DONE the awkward tray walk. Ok, so there are no spots available, so you go straight to getting your food, and stand around by the drinks, trying to find a free table. You even consider standing close to a table so that it feels so awkward that it HAS to leave.
·         WRITTEN an article for the Collegian, only to have it mercilessly picked apart by some horrendous person who has no idea the extents of your sarcastic humor (named Dayne, in my limited experience) to such an unrecognizable cluster of words that even YOU are unsure as to what you were saying. “Goats? I wrote about Goats? Oh, I was writing about the cafeteria food… or something.”
   Don’t worry though, everyone does these things, they just need to admit it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hey There Delilah, More Specifically.

A literary parody to the Plain White T's Hey There Delilah.

Greetings, Delilah.
To what can you assimilate New York City?
You’re 354.2 miles away from me, in York, PA,
But tonight, somehow I know that you’re looking good.
And although I continue to be 354.2 miles away, I still know that Times Square is dim tonight, at least in comparison to you. For real.
Greetings, once more, Delilah.
You shouldn’t pay any mind to the fact that I am far from you.
If you get lonely, please feel free to text me, or if I don’t answer, just listen to this song.
Close your eyes and hear me: I’m next to you, figuratively, of course. (I mean: I’m still in York, PA)
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Yo, Delilah!
I know the Economy’s in the dumps,
But someday, I will be famous for this amazing song.
And I’ll share my money with you. We’ll have an easy, comfortable life. I promise.
Salutations Delilah,
I still have much poetic energy within me.
If everything I ever told you would make you hyperventilate, I’d do it anyway.
And since you’re into that sort of thing, you will become even more infatuate with me, and that’s everything to me.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
354.2 miles may seem like an insurmountable distance but there are inventions (trains, planes and automobiles) such that significantly cut travel time down.
And I’ll walk to you in the off chance one cannot be temporarily commandeered.
Our friends don’t understand love, but we’ll forgive their ignorance. Why are we friends with them anyways?
Delilah, I can promise you, that when we die, the world will be a mess. And since you’re the woman, I’m blaming you.
What’s up, Delilah?
I want to tell you not to miss me but I am desperate for attention,
Short term, you’ll be graduating relatively soon, and I’ll be making history. I’ve done it before!
And you’ll know that it’s just a part of my attempt to impress you.
And we can do what we want as ignorant teenagers.
Are you paying attention, Delilah? I’m toasting you!
This power chord is for you.
Oh, you make me talk like a crazy person,
Oh, you make me talk like a crazy person. Like a lunatic.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I love you, BUT...

The Ultimate Buffer

   The word “but” is a social phenomenon. This sneaky conjunction has fooled generations of young adults for centuries. Very rarely are people legitimately aware to the reality that the word “but” completely negates everything in front of it. “You are such a sweet, amazing, great person, but you're really being a jerk,” is an example this kind of logic. All you have accomplished in this was lulling your subject into a false sense of security and hitting them with a BUlleT. I would recommend in the future, a more direct approach when wanting to discuss certain unfriendly topics and have always been an advocate of not beating around the bush. I say: beat the bush and get over it. Now if you prefer to load on the lies and irrelevant compliments, feel free to be my guest: “Peanut butter is the best condiment on the planet, it can make monkeys fly and drink an entire gallon of milk in under an hour! It is the cure for cancer, BUT I don’t want it on my lasagna.” Is an example of this going a touch too far.
   Sometimes this “but” can be used as a way to keep oneself out of trouble, using it as a method of self negation: “Tony is a real jerk and makes everyone feel subhuman, but, that’s just my opinion.” This keeps the person doing the talking out of any real trouble because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, these days. How drole! Another way “but” is used is in a more fifth grade-ish way, in the beginning of a sentence. Here’s how this goes: “I don’t want to drink canned lightning!” says your friend who simply doesn’t want to drink lightning in a can, “…But, it’s good for you!” retorts the fifth grader within you. In this case, you are using your words to deny theirs, since “but” negates everything preceding it. How mean is that?
   All I’m trying to say here is that not providing this cushion of verbiage between the person to whom you’re speaking and what you really intend to say may go over even better than the buffer as it is. Your opinion does matter, and if someone is asking you for your honesty, I would encourage you to try it out immediately upon their request, since that’s what they’re asking for. This may small change might start a revolution in our generation of people who say what they really mean! Regardless, I hope this helps. Thanks for reading, both of you!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thank you, Guy Paying For a Meal Instead of Using a Meal Swipe

   Dear Random Guy Who Doesn’t Go Here and Pays for a Meal While Everyone’s Rushing between Classes to Get Lunch,
Thank you for coming to visit our wonderful campus. Now—what are you DOING? Hungry, rushed students are going to maul you if they feel threatened. They will get upset if you take forever and cause a huge line behind you. You WILL feel uncomfortable. So thanks for entertaining us at least.

Thank you, Girl Who Leaves Her Hair Stuck to the Walls of the Shower

   Dear Girl Who Leaves Her Hair Stuck to the Walls of the Shower,
Thank you for making the shower look like a living, breathing, yet extremely unkempt thing. I can only speculate as to what you are thinking when you stuck your hair to the side in the first place and I can only figure that it is a courtesy to your fellow showerers, so that you do not clog the drain. But regrettably, I must inform you that this thing Isaac Newton invented, “gravity,” is going to make a fool of you. I simply adore the feeling that I want to shave the walls while I’m shaving my legs. Thank you for your creative attempt of saving the drain from being clogged. A+ for concept, F for follow through. So you’re passing: but barely. About par for the course around here these days, isn’t it?


Thank you, Guy Walking Really Slowly Around the Cafeteria

   Dear Guy Walking Really Slowly Around Hicks Cafeteria,
Thank you for not walking the speed of a normal, starving college student. Your poise and awestruck look as you walk everywhere I intend to go but six times slower reminds me that I should appreciate the little things in life. Little things like blowing by you and just settling on cereal for my entire meal. Also, thanks to you, Guy Who Took Seven Cups of Milk, for leaving the big silver milk cooler empty. And a special shout-out to the Bon Appétit Staffer who didn’t cut the little milk straw so we could get the milk out. I really DID want to get to know the guy walking around with a knife in his pocket! At this point, Slow Walker Guy, I’ve forgotten what I’m thanking you for. Maybe a nice stroll around Hicks at rush hour will help clear my mind…


Thank you, Girls Taking Up the Entire Sidewalk

  Dear Girls Taking Up the Entire Sidewalk,
Thank you for making me walk in the grass around you. I would have never appreciated the bounty of acorns our most fertile trees have safely deposited all over our campus! If I had walked on the sidewalk, I would have never gotten some of this wonderful campus foliage stuck to the bottom of my shoes and been able to track it all over my dorm room. (As we all know, dried leaves are the herpes of all foliage: once you get it, it is crazy hard to get rid of. No matter how many times you vacuum your room, you are never getting rid of it. You will wake up in the middle of the night, need to go to the bathroom, and end up crunching your way there.) Again, thank you for taking up the whole sidewalk, I would have never noticed how sharp those bushes on the way to the student union building are! Thank you for raising my awareness of the campus.

Fifteen Things to Give Up Before Graduating (GCC)

   With my older brother having entered his senior year here at Grove City College, many things have been slammed into perspective for me. The time we spend here is fleeting, and while we try our best to stay ahead of grades, participate in enough clubs to make us “well rounded,” and maintain a booming social life, we often neglect to realize that there are many things that we do here that would be unacceptable in “the real world.” Now, I know that studying takes up much of your time, so I have taken it upon myself to put together a guide so that this transition is made simpler for you at this anxiety-ridden prospect.
Fifteen Things to Give Up Before Graduating GCC:
1.       Hating on GCC. People complain daily about Grove City College and the strain that it puts them under. How can you complain so furiously about the place that you tried so hard to get into? Now, I understand that it feels fantastic to stick it to the man, but you must keep in mind that Dr. Jewell is “the man” in this case (as well as most cases). Why would you want to stick him with anything other than a hug?
2.       Claiming that your major is the most difficult. This is GCC, people. We are students of one of the most prestigious colleges in the country. Rigorous Academics is 1/3 of our slogan.
3.       Getting upset about intervisitation hours. You can’t cuddle with your boyfriend because it’s the middle of the week and you don’t want to be like “the creepy lobby couple,” there is only room for ONE single-tray duo in Hick’s, and “going on a walk” is not nearly private enough on our three-square-mile-campus when every other couple has a similar idea. At the end of the day, you aren’t fooling anyone. I know that you secretly ADORE having intervisitation hours because no matter how much you protest, you actually like walking to you dorm in a towel after a shower, and doing your homework in the safety of your dorm shirtless.
4.       Leaving your wallet as a marker on your table, anywhere else that wallet would be gone within seconds of being placed.
5.       Assuming that a boy and a girl hanging out alone are dating. In the real world, boys and girls can be friends without a constant marital pursuit.
6.       Complaining about the weather. You go to school in Pennsylvania. If you are from the West Coast, you can kiss that “sun-kissed skin so hot it’ll melt a popsicle” goodbye! We are known for our Amish, not our beaches.
7.       The notion that Democrats don’t exist. They do exist. Some even win the presidency…
8.       Leaving your door unlocked. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As great as it is to have faith in humanity: don’t. The rest of the world is not Authentically Christian.
9.       Turning Chapel into “Nap”-el. Where do your dreams and church services collide? Hopefully not Harbison. Or anywhere else for that matter.
10.   Going to functions to get free things. That is known as “stealing.”
11.   Stealing food from the cafeteria in your pockets. Usually after meals, places provide you with magical “to go” containers which allows you to take the rest of your meal home guilt free.
12.   Advertising on the sidewalks with chalk. Some may call that … “vandalism.”
13.   Using the PLC and other buildings as pseudo-hallways to cut down on your walking time from place to place. Breaking and entering charges are not worth the time the shortcuts may have saved.
14.   Throwing your friends in a creek when they get engaged. The unlawful touching of another is called “battery,” and this will only confuse and moisten your friend.
15.   The notion that things are going to get easier. I’m just saying… 

Leggings are Not Pants...

New Trend Exposes More than Fashion Sense
You know when you look though your parents’ old pictures and you see them wearing something like belly-button-high cutoffs, platform shoes, denim jumpsuits and peach-colored bellbottoms, they get a little red in the face and say: “That was the style back then!” We laugh at them and smile and think about how the designers must have been blind. Now let me conjure up a similar image for you: OUR kids, looking through OUR pictures, laughing at the fashions we wore and how our hair looked… in the most embarrassing pictures of our generation, I imagine those of a woman, with those ever-trendy side swooping bangs, wearing the latest Ugg creation, some leggings and a hoodie.
   Now, could someone please tell me what the purpose is of wearing leggings as pants?! They are tight, they leave nothing to the imagination, and I don’t think that showing off every crinkle, bump, wad, or curve of skin is exactly what most of the women here want to see.
   Where did this look come from? I do understand that something similar to this was popular in the 1980s, but since then, we’ve invented Ipods, Facebook, waterproof mascara, rap music, and TeVo, American culture is obviously far more advanced than it was in the 80s, so why is our fashion reverting back to these dark, Lady Gaga-less days? The concept of “everything once old, is now new again” is not an invalid adage here, but usually when fashions resurface, something changes about them. Why did we unknowingly pick right back up where the 80s left off? And what spurs the motivation to wear them as pants at all? Is it laziness? Or is it confidence? Out of any given day, I take it upon myself with a few other vigilantes to count up the total number of people we see daily wearing this fashion trend, and the final numbers of people are increasing. This must be stopped.
   Now, there are appropriate times that one can wear leggings and not be considered a faux pas (or have potential to be called out in an article). And these situations would include while wearing skirts, dresses, under some ripped jeans, under dancing leotards, and any kind of shirt that hits you mid thigh (that means “halfway down your thigh,” not “just barely covering your butt”).
   I know what you’re thinking: is she talking about me? Am I an offender? Have I been a part of her daily polls, counted as a number to her and her legging-hating friends? If you know you’re an offender, the answer is yes, you’ve probably been counted. If you’re unsure, you can check the following list to see if you are wearing pants, or leggings.
1.       You have no pockets.
2.       Your “pants” have lace on the bottom.
3.       You can see the outline of your underwear.
4.       When you pull out the band, you have a seam imprinted into your flesh.
5.       If you can put a quarter up the ankle of the “pants” and still see the coin’s outline. And George Washington’s face. In detail. As well as the year the coin was minted.
6.       If you ever feel like a sausage.
7.       If you could tear a hole in your “pants” with the edge of a sheet of paper.
8.       You worry about your “pants” coming escaping from your Uggs and crawling up your leg.
9.       If your socks are thicker than your “pants.”
10.   If you tuck your “pants” into your socks.
   Help spread the word about leggings, think of how our children will make fun of us