AS the reader may or may not be aware, I positively adore Shakespeare, and, more specifically: Hamlet. Upon reading it, I was confronted by the irresistible temptation to write a parody to it, and of course I made it my own project. You must keep in mind that certain allowances for flaws in my grammar, sense of humor, and other inevitably offensive parts of this must be made. I would like to mention that the middle part, where Ophelia drunkenly tells off everyone before her untimely demise was inspired by the band Ludo, and their song Good Will Hunting by Myself, courtesy of Andrew Volpe. Next, the names have been changed for contemporary purposes, as well as for my own joy. Lastly, I hope you enjoy.
Paige.
Ben: Dude! Come here.
Frank: What?
Ben: I’m on facebook.
Frank: Ohhhhh! Did Leah post those new pictures from Hammer’s party?
Ben: HAHA-no. Ham’s dad is on my online friends…
Frank: That’s not possible. His dad has been dead for like, two months.
Ben: Well, he’s online now…
Scene.
Claudius: Look, people, I know things are a little unsteady right now, but since the CEO, my dearly departed brother has left his company, CBS in the hands of the lovely Gertrude, I’m sure that things will all turn out okay. I know that there is some speculation as to why I would choose to be with my brother’s wife, and the answer is: charity. Now is a time that we need family even more, is it not? I assure you, CBS will thrive, through dirty soap operas, sitcoms, and as much nudity we can get away with. Meeting adjourned.
Larry: Can I go on a business meeting to France?
Claudius: Um, okay.
Larry: Score!!! Can Hammer be my wingman?
Claudius: I don’t think so.
Larry: Score!!!
Hammer: I can’t believe this, my dad has only been dead two months, and already, Uncle Claude has taken over! Not only this company, but my mother, too? This is almost too much for me to bear.
Larry: Are you talking to yourself?
Hammer: …no.
Scene.
Leah: Hey boys.
Ben: What’s up, ho?
Leah: Very funny.
Frank: No no, we’re not joking around! First we see you digging on Ben, now lately you’re all about the Hammer. What’s all that about?
Leah: I like Hammer.
Ben: Yeah, well, he’s going through a kinda tough time right now, and he really doesn’t need complications.
Leah: I’m not a complication!
Frank: Baby, we KNOW you’re simple, we’re just lookin out for a friend.
Ben: Later, slut.
Scene.
Hammer: Ah, Facebook. My blogging escape from reality…
Ham’s Dad: Sup?
Hammer: ?
Ham’s Dad: Luke, I am ur father!
Hammer: What?
Ham’s Dad: JK. Rofl. Well, I AM ur dad, Hamlet James Brown, just tryin to make my entrance more theatrical.
Hammer: DAD?!
Ham’s Dad: NOW ya got it. Hey! So yeah, there’s some things u should know about my death :x
Hammer: There is so much I want to say to u, dad! Life is gettin crazy, Mom married Uncle Claude, and…
Ham’s Dad: What a surprise, since your Uncle Claude killed me
Hammer: WTF. >:o
Ham’s Dad: GTG. TTYL. Be a bro Avenge me, Thanx. (Log Off).
Hammer: Wait! (Message could not be delivered as Ham’s Dad is no longer online).
Scene.
Leah’s Dad: I found a pregnancy test in the trash, Ophelia Marie Polonius.
Leah: It’s not mine. It’s a girl on my swimming team’s.
Leah’s Dad: Are you sexually active?
Leah: NO!
Leah’s Dad: Who are you dating?
Leah: Hammer.
Leah’s Dad: Hamlet James Brown?
Leah: Yes? So?
Leah’s Dad: I don’t want you to see him again.
Scene.
Ben: Woah Leah, put down that bottle.
Leah: I know, I know, I know my limits.
Ben: I know you are upset about what Hammer said before but calm down with that drinking.
Leah: I can’t I am a wh-wh-whore remember?
Ben: He didn’t mean it.
Leah: He didn’t mean it? HA. Hammer, I remember when we was sittin' on your couch Watchin' Good Will Hunting, holdin' hands and drinkin' milkshakes. But milkshakes melt, people change, and you dumped me right before PROM. But whatever, hey, it's cool. I've moved on you know, I'm happy now - well, happy in a crying sorta way… But I realized you were right, we were never meant to be and you know what? Thank God cause your Uncle Claude the most vapid, whiny blah I've ever met always making fun of my clothes, telling me how hot other girls are? And your friends always asking me to pay them gas money?! Buy your own gas you bug-eyed mooches - it's your cars! And you, Dad! You tanning-bed-baked, goat-faced, oompa-loompa monkey problem, I’ll do what I want! Yes, Frank, your butt did look fat in those jeans, you all can watch Good Will Hunting by yourselves. I hope your eyes fall out.
Scene.
Hammer: Wow.
Ben: I know. I can’t believe it either.
Frank: Yeah, one day, she’s sleeping with the football team, next day…
Hammer: Can you please cut back on the whore jokes? It’s not funny.
Frank: I’m sorry dude. I just can’t believe it. The whole thing seems…
Hammer: out of joint?
Ben: Yeah, I mean, even how she died…
Frank: Drowning in the toilet she just threw up in?
Hammer: I’m trying not to think about that.
Ben: She tried not to think at all.
Hammer: Really? You’re gonna talk like that? Around me?
Frank: Dude, YOU’RE the one who broke up with her.
Hammer: You guys don’t get it, I loved her.
Scene.
Ham’s Mom: La la la… bakin da casserole for those Poloniuses… needin the comfort food… leave it and let it cool. I’m off to get my nails done (leaves room).
Hammer: Ugh. This is so not right my mom playing the role of a wife and making a casserole for my dad/uncle. Let’s see how much he enjoys it with a few extra ingredients (poisons the food).
Ham’s Mom: Oh, no my casserole looks all green and bubbly. Oh well, I’m not eating it.
Claude: Mmmmmm. Casserole.
Ham’s Mom: No, your dinner is in the microwave, this is for the Poloniuses.
(Leah’s dad, Mr. Polonius receives and eats the casserole and dies)
Scene.
Judge: Hamlet James Brown, how do you plead?
Hammer: Guilty.
Judge: Considering the circumstances, You will be sent to a correction center for juvenile delinquents, called Kennedy Catholic.
Scene.
Claude: There is too much bad publicity with the whole Hammer case. That is why I need your help.
Frank: How can we help?
Ben: Why would we even help?
Claude: Let’s say you do this favor for me you can have the roles in The Young and the Restless you have always wanted.
Ben: Go on.
Claude: Take out the bus Hammer is taking to the correctional facility.
Frank: Consider it done.
Scene.
Hammer: (On Phone) Mom, the bus wrecked! Ben and Frank didn’t make it. They are sending me home for recovery.
Scene.
Larry: Hammer is goin down. The last Polonius has fallen because of him! I must avenge my family!
Claude: Blah, blah, blah. Why don’t you just kill him?
Larry: I was getting to that.
Claude: He’s recovering at home, why don’t you challenge him to a nice fencing match?
Larry: Cause that’s stupid.
Claude: No, YOURE stupid!
Larry: I’ll think of something.
Scene.
One week later…
Maid: NOOOOO! They are all dead!
911 Operator: What?
Maid: I came to clean, they dead.
911 Operator: How many people are there?
Maid: 4! Horrible sight!
911 Operator: The Police are on their way.
Scene.
Officer Matt: We’re coming in!
Maid: Shrieks
Officer Joe: (broke open door) What happened here?
Officer Matt: (crosses to Uncle Claude’s body) Look! A journal.
Officer Joe: What does it say?
Officer Matt: By God… It lists all the planning that went into these murders, here occurred and even that of the late CEO of CBS. This is very valuable information and may provide insight to the details of each death... Hammer was right all along. He proved to the most righteous of them all. Come. He deserves the most honorable funeral procession, just as if soldier fell in the midst of battle.
Officer Joe: Call in more officers. He deserves a full entourage.
The end.
