Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Silver is the New Black

The Changing Computer Trend

   From the beginning of time, Grove City College has given each of its students a black HP computer, the newest versions of which are outfitted with the ever-shrinking battery packs, and tablet features. Because of the similarities of each model from generation to generation, this made it difficult to point out freshman without intense investigation. Last year, however, everything changed. The computers issued were silver and the battery pack was so thin it was almost indistinguishable. Thus, even if they weren’t wearing their lanyards, taking forever to beep into meals, or calling Breen Student Union the “STU,” one could still identify freshmen by the color of their HPs.
    This year, an even greater leap was taken, and the computers are not only silver, but also have a huge sticker of the beautiful Rockwell Hall of Sciences on the back. (At first, one couldn’t even recognize it was the GCC campus, as the sky was a blue rather than the typical Grove City Grey, but artistic liberties must be taken in the pursuit of advertisement.) Suddenly, the college-issued computers on campus are evenly balanced between these new, completely pimped-out silver bullets against the huge-battery-pack-laden black dinosaurs.
     Certainly, the possession of the older computers imply the user’s wisdom, campus smarts, and maturity, but it comes at the cost of having an older model, spotty internet access and general crankiness that can only be caused by having to deal with old technology on a continual basis. The possession of a new one, on the other hand, alludes to sophomoric ideals, general awkwardness, and an elaborate knowledge of exactly what has been “Overheard at GCC” as facilitated by speedy Facebook connections.
    Now, rather than continuing to discuss the variety of computers on campus, I’d like to offer Grove City some suggestions for alternative photos to paste on the back of next year’s laptops.
Some Alternative Suggestions for Computer Covers
1.       Dr. Jewell. A photograph of Dr. Jewell would be perfect for the computers, it would be a reminder that we have a president that cares about our school, and is always looking after us, encouraging us to do our best. Even if we can’t make it to the meetings at his GeDunk hours, or missed his many performances on OB-OB, you will have him with you always.
2.       Sherri making an omelet. When times get rough, and the pressure of finals is growing, we can rest in the knowledge that we have an expert omelet maker waiting to serve us every morning; always with a ready spatula, smile and lovingly sarcastic sense of humor.
3.       Darrius Pugh. Dancing.

4.       Sheetz Made to Order Food. The red wrappers, the receipt attached to the warm lump (is it a sub? Is it a hot dog? Is it a pretzel-bun chipotle sandwich? You never know until you open it.), everything we love about the Sheetz phenomenon. Who cares if it lacks eating areas? The ATM machine and general ambiance of being off campus, getting a real college experience really makes up for it.
5.       A photo of a set of engagement rings. Just to remind you the OTHER reason why you’re here, next to the whole education thing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Oh, Hey... You.

How are... you?

   Greetings again, friends! Today’s topic is another one very close to my heart. Let’s talk about the extremes we go to, to lull people into a false sense of importance: especially when we have no idea who they are. Let me elaborate: this campus is not particularly large, and eventually you will recognize the faces that you pass by, even if you don’t know them personally. You may even get to the point that you wave hi purely on the basis of the fact that you see them every day… On occasion, these people somehow figure out your first name, whether it’s through recognizing you on Facebook, or watching you doing an assignment on your computer, or trying every name they can think of in GCC Stalk until they recognize your picture: they figure out who you are and start having more elaborate conversations with you. Months go by, and suddenly, you realize that you have no idea who they actually are. You know their interests, ideals, dreams and the names of their pets and where they’re from, but have no idea who they are. This is when things have gotten too far along for you to be able to ask who they are because, well, that would just be embarrassing for every party involved… So what do you do? Here are a few tactics to help you out…
How to Figure Out Someone’s Name Tactfully
1.       The most effective way I know to do this without hurting anyone’s feelings is to get the person to say their own name. This will require a third party that you are sure the other person doesn’t know. Bring this person with you and start a conversation, suddenly stop and ask, “Wait, do you two know each other?” Mystery Person (MP for short) will say that no, they do not. That’s when you say “Oh, this is Barbie, sorry about that.” And MP will say “Oh, hi, I’m Blah-Blah McBlahgerton.” And just like that: they’ve been had.
2.       Demand that they speak in the third person.
3.       Ask for their middle name, and say that you are going to call them that from now on.
4.       Tell them you are writing them a poem and need to rhyme their name with something. If they say something like “Fyler,” “Mobert,” or “Spiffany,” you’ve got it made.
5.       Tell them that you think a fun activity would be making name tags to wear around for the rest of the day.
6.       Ask for their number, and how to spell their name. “How many different ways do you know to spell Beth?” “Uh… I know how to spell THAT, gosh… I meant your last name.” “Mills?” “Oh. Just wanted to be sure.”
7.       Just call them the wrong name. With any luck, they won’t have the guts to correct you. (Also, if it’s a girl, call her “Emily” or “Rachel.” All the girls at this place are named either Emily or Rachel… You have a 70% chance of being correct.)
8.       Only call them “baby,” “darling,” “honey,” “doll face,” and “you.”
9.       Ask them for their signature, just in case they ever get famous.
10.   Ask someone else if they know MP’s name. I suppose this could have been number one, couldn’t it? But nope! No easy way out for you! Well done, you pass. B-.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Females: We WILL be Late

Dealing With It
Getting ready for a date is an incredibly stressful and worrisome prospect here at GCC. You never know whether things are really “dates” or just hanging out with a friend, or if you both just had similar plans for the day. Needless to say dating on this campus is a mess. Thus, some leniencies must be allowed when your date is preparing herself.
So please understand our anxiety at this prospect! It would be best if you did not get upset… but just plan on us being late. Here are a few translations for you… if we say “five minutes” it means “half hour.” If we ask how we look, and you say “fine,” we take it as a synonym for “bad,” and it will take us another “five minutes” to get into an outfit we feel completely confident in.
I’m sorry that we cannot just roll out of bed, put on what we wore yesterday, and think that’s okay. We have standards because if you didn’t like how we look, you probably wouldn’t have asked us out in the first place. So if we go to our 8, 9, and 10 AM classes looking like a mess, I would like to reserve the right for us to look at least somewhat decent on our way to lunch. That may mean that you need to wait. But upon our arrival, you’re probably going to like the way that we look. We are not trying to be disrespectful. We are just trying to look good enough that makes you want to stick around for a few more dates. So we would love it if you would reciprocate the effort. If we agreed to this date, there is definitely a reason beyond your immediate looks, but they probably aren’t too shabby either.
Some women I used to know back in the day, were all about making their dates wait, just “five minutes.” It wasn’t so much a disrespect thing but a test of how much they really want this date to work out… I, not being the kind of female to torment a respectable man, have never done this sort of thing. However, I have been purposefully late to places, so that I wouldn’t be the first person to arrive, and so that I wouldn’t be the one awkwardly waiting there… It is a horrible feeling I get when I receive the message that my date needs to reschedule, when my other friends run into me and asking who I’m waiting for, while I could have just been late and not needed to make the effort. I feel the same way about being let in to intervis: I’ll call that I’m outside waiting to be let in before I get there, just so I don’t have to look like the creeper waiting outside for someone just to exit so I can swoop in.)
I don’t really think the issue here is a lack of respect going on here so much as a desire to be wanted, and appreciated for our efforts. If anyone wants to talk about this some further, I’ll let you know when I have an extra “five minutes” to sort this out... I’m sure it’ll be “fine.”
Some Things You Can Do to Cope with Our Lateness:
  1. Call us earlier and say you're on your way!
  2. Bring something to do while waiting for us. Resurrect your GameBoy!
  3. Revel in the fact that we now must apologize for being late- how often do we do that?
  4. Look in the mirror. Are you up to our standard? No? Take this time to make that cowlick sit still!
  5. Come up with a compliment to deliver immediately upon our arrival. This will prevent a relapse in our confidence, and lull us into a sense of security. Enjoy!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Print Off This Post...

Keep it in your Pocket.

   Hey, friends, today we are going to talk about something very important. We are going to talk about awkward moments. Now, before your memory is flooded by thoughts of your freshman year, proms, and the first time you ever saw a couple refusing to say good night outside your dorm, I would just like to clarify: awkward moments surround us at all times, and rarely can they be avoided. This having been said, I am going to exploit them to give us something in common to laugh about.
Moments Everyone Wishes they could avoid…
·         Saying hi to someone you see coming your way too early, so that your little socially-required small talk is done and over by the time the person actually reaches you, you have nothing left to say.
·         When people hang out in your room while you get ready for bed and then they just don’t leave. Even after you get into your bed, they’re still hanging out. This goes along with the people who you say goodbye to, then as they leave, take a little too long to shut your door.
·         When you see people you don’t really know waving at you from far away, so you wave back. And then find that they were actually waving to the person behind you.
·         When you go for a pound and the other person goes for the high-five.
·         While walking along and you talk to a person you know and you do your little socially-required chat and say “catch you later!” or something to that effect, and then… you find that the other person is walking the same direction as you. Do you put in your ear buds? Do you struggle for more conversation?
·         When you see your friend going into Wal-Mart, and you say “hi” and continue to run into them another eight times until you just stop greeting them and ignore that they’re there altogether.
·         When you run into your roommate, wearing your clothes.
·         Catching your boyfriend studying in a common area with his friend… Named Tiffany.
·         When you try to hug a friend from behind, and realize… it’s just someone wearing a similar jacket.
·         While showering, the self-timed lights go out. Well, shoot.
·           Bursting into your MWF 8 AM classroom late, only to find that it’s Tuesday.
·         Getting denied admission to chapel for being late.
·         Causing a door alarm to go off because you got enthralled in a really good conversation.
·         Laughing at something hilarious online in the middle of a lecture… on the holocaust.
·         Trying to put a cookie in the conveyor toaster, and getting yelled at by an elderly Bon App├ętit staffer for endangering everyone’s life.
·         Audibly saying “Oh, man, I wouldn’t do that,” when someone makes a false move in chess, on their computer, again, in the middle of a lecture, again, on the holocaust.
·         Not knowing how to properly conclude an article once it’s begun. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Admit It!

You've Done This
   Oh, man. Did anyone see that? No? Okay… that girl did, but she’s a freshman, so whatever. Oh, man, I’m not doing that again. There are many things that we do on this campus that we don’t want anyone to find out about. Thus, I have created a list of the vanities that we commit within our time here, that everyone really does.
You Have…
·         CHECKED YOURSELF OUT in the mirror-like windows of the Physical Learning Center.
·         MISTOOK the statue of Mr. Pew in the garden by Harbison for a person, he is, admittedly, a creepy looking guy, but compared to most of the men made out of precious metals I know, he’s one of the friendlier. (King Midas, the Tin Man, and C3PO included, of course.)
·         CREEPED on a couple from your dorm room window. You may have even cheered them on. Along these lines, you have definitely seen the couple that insists on saying their goodbyes far beyond their expiration date, and have just slinked into your dorm behind them.
·         BEEN the long-goodbye couple. At least once in your career here at GCC, you have either been one of them, or will be at some point. Please, have your long, creepy goodbye somewhere else. When you get to the door: say goodbye once, hug briefly (if you’ve already “hugged it out” like you should have, it shouldn’t be too tough) and depart to your respective places.
·         BEEN STOPPED by the ridiculously heavy doors in HAL. You have also been trapped holding the door open for about thirty other people entering, frozen, praying someone would take your place, but no one does. At that point, you just wish a panda would come take you out of your misery.
·         MISSED church on a Sunday and wore sweats to Sunday Brunch. I’ve heard it said that this is the Grove City College “Walk of Shame.”
·         PROPPED a door open until the alarm went off. (This is often the result of a long goodbye… just so you can see all the hell that’s breaking loose because of these goodbyes!)
·         BEEN FOOLED by the weather: gotten caught in a torrential downpour, been caught in class when the weather decides to get forty degrees cooler than it was when you first went in, or at least overdressed for how hot it gets midweek, for about an hour.
·         DONE the awkward tray walk. Ok, so there are no spots available, so you go straight to getting your food, and stand around by the drinks, trying to find a free table. You even consider standing close to a table so that it feels so awkward that it HAS to leave.
·         WRITTEN an article for the Collegian, only to have it mercilessly picked apart by some horrendous person who has no idea the extents of your sarcastic humor (named Dayne, in my limited experience) to such an unrecognizable cluster of words that even YOU are unsure as to what you were saying. “Goats? I wrote about Goats? Oh, I was writing about the cafeteria food… or something.”
   Don’t worry though, everyone does these things, they just need to admit it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hey There Delilah, More Specifically.

A literary parody to the Plain White T's Hey There Delilah.

Greetings, Delilah.
To what can you assimilate New York City?
You’re 354.2 miles away from me, in York, PA,
But tonight, somehow I know that you’re looking good.
And although I continue to be 354.2 miles away, I still know that Times Square is dim tonight, at least in comparison to you. For real.
Greetings, once more, Delilah.
You shouldn’t pay any mind to the fact that I am far from you.
If you get lonely, please feel free to text me, or if I don’t answer, just listen to this song.
Close your eyes and hear me: I’m next to you, figuratively, of course. (I mean: I’m still in York, PA)
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Yo, Delilah!
I know the Economy’s in the dumps,
But someday, I will be famous for this amazing song.
And I’ll share my money with you. We’ll have an easy, comfortable life. I promise.
Salutations Delilah,
I still have much poetic energy within me.
If everything I ever told you would make you hyperventilate, I’d do it anyway.
And since you’re into that sort of thing, you will become even more infatuate with me, and that’s everything to me.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
Oh, you make me make no sense.
354.2 miles may seem like an insurmountable distance but there are inventions (trains, planes and automobiles) such that significantly cut travel time down.
And I’ll walk to you in the off chance one cannot be temporarily commandeered.
Our friends don’t understand love, but we’ll forgive their ignorance. Why are we friends with them anyways?
Delilah, I can promise you, that when we die, the world will be a mess. And since you’re the woman, I’m blaming you.
What’s up, Delilah?
I want to tell you not to miss me but I am desperate for attention,
Short term, you’ll be graduating relatively soon, and I’ll be making history. I’ve done it before!
And you’ll know that it’s just a part of my attempt to impress you.
And we can do what we want as ignorant teenagers.
Are you paying attention, Delilah? I’m toasting you!
This power chord is for you.
Oh, you make me talk like a crazy person,
Oh, you make me talk like a crazy person. Like a lunatic.