Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

Monday, June 27, 2011

Picture Postcards

You win again, StumbleUpon

   Stumble has been sending me to some different sites lately, with these photos, that have little quotes and writing on them. I like those. They’re pretty nice. But sometimes I look at them and I wonder… how in the world does that quote go with that picture? So to emphasize this fact, I added on to them in red, just so they go together a little better. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Surprising Weaknesses of Pete "The Beast" Polesnak

My Brother is… unique
    Achilles had a bum heel, Hercules had Megara (according to the Disney Movie) and the ginormous Pete Polesnak is no exception to this trend of old. Pete is 6’6” ish, and capable of inflicting such horrible pain upon people that Nero would be jealous. That having been said, he is a man of many, many quirks. Ten to be exact. This article’s purpose is not to give the reader a leg up on my brother, but just to show you 1. What I’ve had to deal with all my life, 2. How weird this kid is, and 3. Okay, he might be annoying me a little… So, here you have it: the 10 Surprising weaknesses of Peter Polesnak.
1.       Three-Pronged Forks. Peter lives in fear of three pronged forks. He hates them so much that he won’t use them. “A fork has four prongs, once you take one away, it is not longer a fork but a trident. Tridents are for ruling the sea, forks are for eating.” And since his plans for world domination haven’t gotten that far yet, Pete uses forks.

2.      Taking clothes back to their respective stores. Since we were kids, Pete has been afraid of confrontation. He will endure bad meals, wrong orders, and let anyone misspell his name as long as he doesn’t have to correct them. Taking clothing back to stores has always been a problem in this department. He makes me do it. Do you know how weird it is being a 12-year-old peanut, trying to exchange a pair of 42x42 pants? …pretty damn.
3.      Yellow skittles are the Kryptonite to Pete’s Clark Kent. I just take a handful and pop ’em in my mouth, but it’s pretty funny watching him dissect a bag of Skittles, and separate them like an extremely intricate surgery. When he finally finishes, he is relieved. Like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders… At no point should a candy treat be that stressful on anyone.
4.      His moles.

He just doesn’t like them.
5.       Cursing. Because of his humble upbringing, (I assume), Pete has never been good at using curse words in a threatening, or otherwise fluent manner… For instance, we were once trapped behind a very slow-driving car, at which, Pete exclaimed “You better damn be turning!” – it just makes me feel sad.
6.      Pete needs to eat things in even numbers. Thank God wings come in even dozens…
7.        He loves any food that makes him feel like a giant. Mini burgers…? I’ll take two... (Never three.)
8.      Dirt under his fingernails. Pete cannot live with his fingernails dirty. Younger, he had such a problem with biting his nails, I was surprised when he could grow nails at all! I guess now that he has em, he needs to make sure they are in their top condition. Strange.

9.      Pete, much like a cat, hates being wet, unless he’s fully submerged. Once he’s under water, he kind of gives up on any hope of maintaining dryness.
Since leaving this list at an odd number would drive him batty, I’m going to do just that. So I guess secretly, I’m one of the things in his life that constantly sabotages him…

10.   There. I AM a loving sister.