Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

Friday, October 29, 2010

I love you, BUT...

The Ultimate Buffer

   The word “but” is a social phenomenon. This sneaky conjunction has fooled generations of young adults for centuries. Very rarely are people legitimately aware to the reality that the word “but” completely negates everything in front of it. “You are such a sweet, amazing, great person, but you're really being a jerk,” is an example this kind of logic. All you have accomplished in this was lulling your subject into a false sense of security and hitting them with a BUlleT. I would recommend in the future, a more direct approach when wanting to discuss certain unfriendly topics and have always been an advocate of not beating around the bush. I say: beat the bush and get over it. Now if you prefer to load on the lies and irrelevant compliments, feel free to be my guest: “Peanut butter is the best condiment on the planet, it can make monkeys fly and drink an entire gallon of milk in under an hour! It is the cure for cancer, BUT I don’t want it on my lasagna.” Is an example of this going a touch too far.
   Sometimes this “but” can be used as a way to keep oneself out of trouble, using it as a method of self negation: “Tony is a real jerk and makes everyone feel subhuman, but, that’s just my opinion.” This keeps the person doing the talking out of any real trouble because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, these days. How drole! Another way “but” is used is in a more fifth grade-ish way, in the beginning of a sentence. Here’s how this goes: “I don’t want to drink canned lightning!” says your friend who simply doesn’t want to drink lightning in a can, “…But, it’s good for you!” retorts the fifth grader within you. In this case, you are using your words to deny theirs, since “but” negates everything preceding it. How mean is that?
   All I’m trying to say here is that not providing this cushion of verbiage between the person to whom you’re speaking and what you really intend to say may go over even better than the buffer as it is. Your opinion does matter, and if someone is asking you for your honesty, I would encourage you to try it out immediately upon their request, since that’s what they’re asking for. This may small change might start a revolution in our generation of people who say what they really mean! Regardless, I hope this helps. Thanks for reading, both of you!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Thank you, Guy Paying For a Meal Instead of Using a Meal Swipe

   Dear Random Guy Who Doesn’t Go Here and Pays for a Meal While Everyone’s Rushing between Classes to Get Lunch,
Thank you for coming to visit our wonderful campus. Now—what are you DOING? Hungry, rushed students are going to maul you if they feel threatened. They will get upset if you take forever and cause a huge line behind you. You WILL feel uncomfortable. So thanks for entertaining us at least.

Thank you, Girl Who Leaves Her Hair Stuck to the Walls of the Shower

   Dear Girl Who Leaves Her Hair Stuck to the Walls of the Shower,
Thank you for making the shower look like a living, breathing, yet extremely unkempt thing. I can only speculate as to what you are thinking when you stuck your hair to the side in the first place and I can only figure that it is a courtesy to your fellow showerers, so that you do not clog the drain. But regrettably, I must inform you that this thing Isaac Newton invented, “gravity,” is going to make a fool of you. I simply adore the feeling that I want to shave the walls while I’m shaving my legs. Thank you for your creative attempt of saving the drain from being clogged. A+ for concept, F for follow through. So you’re passing: but barely. About par for the course around here these days, isn’t it?


Thank you, Guy Walking Really Slowly Around the Cafeteria

   Dear Guy Walking Really Slowly Around Hicks Cafeteria,
Thank you for not walking the speed of a normal, starving college student. Your poise and awestruck look as you walk everywhere I intend to go but six times slower reminds me that I should appreciate the little things in life. Little things like blowing by you and just settling on cereal for my entire meal. Also, thanks to you, Guy Who Took Seven Cups of Milk, for leaving the big silver milk cooler empty. And a special shout-out to the Bon App├ętit Staffer who didn’t cut the little milk straw so we could get the milk out. I really DID want to get to know the guy walking around with a knife in his pocket! At this point, Slow Walker Guy, I’ve forgotten what I’m thanking you for. Maybe a nice stroll around Hicks at rush hour will help clear my mind…


Thank you, Girls Taking Up the Entire Sidewalk

  Dear Girls Taking Up the Entire Sidewalk,
Thank you for making me walk in the grass around you. I would have never appreciated the bounty of acorns our most fertile trees have safely deposited all over our campus! If I had walked on the sidewalk, I would have never gotten some of this wonderful campus foliage stuck to the bottom of my shoes and been able to track it all over my dorm room. (As we all know, dried leaves are the herpes of all foliage: once you get it, it is crazy hard to get rid of. No matter how many times you vacuum your room, you are never getting rid of it. You will wake up in the middle of the night, need to go to the bathroom, and end up crunching your way there.) Again, thank you for taking up the whole sidewalk, I would have never noticed how sharp those bushes on the way to the student union building are! Thank you for raising my awareness of the campus.

Fifteen Things to Give Up Before Graduating (GCC)

   With my older brother having entered his senior year here at Grove City College, many things have been slammed into perspective for me. The time we spend here is fleeting, and while we try our best to stay ahead of grades, participate in enough clubs to make us “well rounded,” and maintain a booming social life, we often neglect to realize that there are many things that we do here that would be unacceptable in “the real world.” Now, I know that studying takes up much of your time, so I have taken it upon myself to put together a guide so that this transition is made simpler for you at this anxiety-ridden prospect.
Fifteen Things to Give Up Before Graduating GCC:
1.       Hating on GCC. People complain daily about Grove City College and the strain that it puts them under. How can you complain so furiously about the place that you tried so hard to get into? Now, I understand that it feels fantastic to stick it to the man, but you must keep in mind that Dr. Jewell is “the man” in this case (as well as most cases). Why would you want to stick him with anything other than a hug?
2.       Claiming that your major is the most difficult. This is GCC, people. We are students of one of the most prestigious colleges in the country. Rigorous Academics is 1/3 of our slogan.
3.       Getting upset about intervisitation hours. You can’t cuddle with your boyfriend because it’s the middle of the week and you don’t want to be like “the creepy lobby couple,” there is only room for ONE single-tray duo in Hick’s, and “going on a walk” is not nearly private enough on our three-square-mile-campus when every other couple has a similar idea. At the end of the day, you aren’t fooling anyone. I know that you secretly ADORE having intervisitation hours because no matter how much you protest, you actually like walking to you dorm in a towel after a shower, and doing your homework in the safety of your dorm shirtless.
4.       Leaving your wallet as a marker on your table, anywhere else that wallet would be gone within seconds of being placed.
5.       Assuming that a boy and a girl hanging out alone are dating. In the real world, boys and girls can be friends without a constant marital pursuit.
6.       Complaining about the weather. You go to school in Pennsylvania. If you are from the West Coast, you can kiss that “sun-kissed skin so hot it’ll melt a popsicle” goodbye! We are known for our Amish, not our beaches.
7.       The notion that Democrats don’t exist. They do exist. Some even win the presidency…
8.       Leaving your door unlocked. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As great as it is to have faith in humanity: don’t. The rest of the world is not Authentically Christian.
9.       Turning Chapel into “Nap”-el. Where do your dreams and church services collide? Hopefully not Harbison. Or anywhere else for that matter.
10.   Going to functions to get free things. That is known as “stealing.”
11.   Stealing food from the cafeteria in your pockets. Usually after meals, places provide you with magical “to go” containers which allows you to take the rest of your meal home guilt free.
12.   Advertising on the sidewalks with chalk. Some may call that … “vandalism.”
13.   Using the PLC and other buildings as pseudo-hallways to cut down on your walking time from place to place. Breaking and entering charges are not worth the time the shortcuts may have saved.
14.   Throwing your friends in a creek when they get engaged. The unlawful touching of another is called “battery,” and this will only confuse and moisten your friend.
15.   The notion that things are going to get easier. I’m just saying… 

Leggings are Not Pants...

New Trend Exposes More than Fashion Sense
You know when you look though your parents’ old pictures and you see them wearing something like belly-button-high cutoffs, platform shoes, denim jumpsuits and peach-colored bellbottoms, they get a little red in the face and say: “That was the style back then!” We laugh at them and smile and think about how the designers must have been blind. Now let me conjure up a similar image for you: OUR kids, looking through OUR pictures, laughing at the fashions we wore and how our hair looked… in the most embarrassing pictures of our generation, I imagine those of a woman, with those ever-trendy side swooping bangs, wearing the latest Ugg creation, some leggings and a hoodie.
   Now, could someone please tell me what the purpose is of wearing leggings as pants?! They are tight, they leave nothing to the imagination, and I don’t think that showing off every crinkle, bump, wad, or curve of skin is exactly what most of the women here want to see.
   Where did this look come from? I do understand that something similar to this was popular in the 1980s, but since then, we’ve invented Ipods, Facebook, waterproof mascara, rap music, and TeVo, American culture is obviously far more advanced than it was in the 80s, so why is our fashion reverting back to these dark, Lady Gaga-less days? The concept of “everything once old, is now new again” is not an invalid adage here, but usually when fashions resurface, something changes about them. Why did we unknowingly pick right back up where the 80s left off? And what spurs the motivation to wear them as pants at all? Is it laziness? Or is it confidence? Out of any given day, I take it upon myself with a few other vigilantes to count up the total number of people we see daily wearing this fashion trend, and the final numbers of people are increasing. This must be stopped.
   Now, there are appropriate times that one can wear leggings and not be considered a faux pas (or have potential to be called out in an article). And these situations would include while wearing skirts, dresses, under some ripped jeans, under dancing leotards, and any kind of shirt that hits you mid thigh (that means “halfway down your thigh,” not “just barely covering your butt”).
   I know what you’re thinking: is she talking about me? Am I an offender? Have I been a part of her daily polls, counted as a number to her and her legging-hating friends? If you know you’re an offender, the answer is yes, you’ve probably been counted. If you’re unsure, you can check the following list to see if you are wearing pants, or leggings.
1.       You have no pockets.
2.       Your “pants” have lace on the bottom.
3.       You can see the outline of your underwear.
4.       When you pull out the band, you have a seam imprinted into your flesh.
5.       If you can put a quarter up the ankle of the “pants” and still see the coin’s outline. And George Washington’s face. In detail. As well as the year the coin was minted.
6.       If you ever feel like a sausage.
7.       If you could tear a hole in your “pants” with the edge of a sheet of paper.
8.       You worry about your “pants” coming escaping from your Uggs and crawling up your leg.
9.       If your socks are thicker than your “pants.”
10.   If you tuck your “pants” into your socks.
   Help spread the word about leggings, think of how our children will make fun of us