Welcome to my blog! If I were you, I'd read the section titled "Read this First" on the right-hand side of your screen... It will help you understand exactly why this blog is hilarious. If not, however, just read on as you see fit, and though you may not understand the humor, you can at least indulge in my impeccable vocabulary.
- Paige

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Literally, It was an Epic Fail.

Like, Legit.

   Hey, neighbors. Just thought I’d literally drop an epic note for you, and I hope you find it legit. It would literally break my heart if you think it’s a fail, though… Right. I thought that we should have a little talk today on the verbiage of our generation and their use of the words “literally,” “epic,” “fail,” and “legit.”
   When you say “literally”… you mean “actually” and “without exaggeration.” It is not synonymous with “very.” So when you say “I am literally bursting with laughter.” Everyone around you should start slowly backing away, because you are actually going to burst. So keep this in mind and when you hear someone say “I am literally peeing my pants!” you can have the confidence of looking at them an assessing the fact that they either 1. Don’t know the meaning of the word, 2. Know the meaning of the word, but doesn’t have the presence of mind to know when to use it properly or 3. Have an extremely overactive bladder.
   Things that are “epic”… are things that are larger than life, such as the ocean, or perhaps God, and a genre of literature where heroes reach their goals despite seemingly insurmountable odds. I’m sorry that Beowulf is, in fact, epic, while your last Facebook status about eating burritos is not. Now if your burrito were perhaps, 50 feet tall, or on its way to avenge its village by killing an evil dragon, or trying to deposit a ring in a volcano from whence it was forged, perhaps then, it would be epic. Was it? No? I didn’t think so.
   “Fail” is particularly close to my heart… because it makes the least sense of all of these colloquialisms. The word “fail” is a verb. As in “I failed that test.” You would not say “That test was a fail.” That would be almost like saying “That test was a sneeze.” “Failure,” however, is a noun. “My studying methods were led to my utter failure.” This sentence works perfectly well. Next time you are determining if you are in fact using the word fail properly in a sentence, replace it with the word “sneeze,” if the sentence still works, you are using it properly. If the sentence doesn’t work: don’t use it out loud. For instance: “You sneeze in that class every year!” works. So the sentence “You fail in that class every year!” also works. Well done. I’ll inform your second grade teacher that she didn’t completely fail in her attempts to teach you when to use nouns and verbs.
   The word “legit”… is usually preceded by the filler: “like,” and followed by a question mark. Usually this phrase is asking for the verification of a fact. When looked up in the dictionary, Legitimate refers to something of a legal nature, and the secondary definition means “genuine.” At no point is it defined as “awesome.” “This blog is pretty legit.” Well, I certainly hope that it is legal, and as far as it being genuine, yes, every word of this is mean in a heartfelt manner. I just don’t see the point of saying it out loud.
   Thanks for reading, I hope this helps you in a small way, and leads you to snicker at people when they perpetually use these words incorrectly.

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