Oh, Hey... You.

How are... you?

   Greetings again, friends! Today’s topic is another one very close to my heart. Let’s talk about the extremes we go to, to lull people into a false sense of importance: especially when we have no idea who they are. Let me elaborate: this campus is not particularly large, and eventually you will recognize the faces that you pass by, even if you don’t know them personally. You may even get to the point that you wave hi purely on the basis of the fact that you see them every day… On occasion, these people somehow figure out your first name, whether it’s through recognizing you on Facebook, or watching you doing an assignment on your computer, or trying every name they can think of in GCC Stalk until they recognize your picture: they figure out who you are and start having more elaborate conversations with you. Months go by, and suddenly, you realize that you have no idea who they actually are. You know their interests, ideals, dreams and the names of their pets and where they’re from, but have no idea who they are. This is when things have gotten too far along for you to be able to ask who they are because, well, that would just be embarrassing for every party involved… So what do you do? Here are a few tactics to help you out…

How to Figure Out Someone’s Name Tactfully

1.       The most effective way I know to do this without hurting anyone’s feelings is to get the person to say their own name. This will require a third party that you are sure the other person doesn’t know. Bring this person with you and start a conversation, suddenly stop and ask, “Wait, do you two know each other?” Mystery Person (MP for short) will say that no, they do not. That’s when you say “Oh, this is Barbie, sorry about that.” And MP will say “Oh, hi, I’m Blah-Blah McBlahgerton.” And just like that: they’ve been had.

2.       Demand that they speak in the third person.

3.       Ask for their middle name, and say that you are going to call them that from now on.

4.       Tell them you are writing them a poem and need to rhyme their name with something. If they say something like “Fyler,” “Mobert,” or “Spiffany,” you’ve got it made.

5.       Tell them that you think a fun activity would be making name tags to wear around for the rest of the day.

6.       Ask for their number, and how to spell their name. “How many different ways do you know to spell Beth?” “Uh… I know how to spell THAT, gosh… I meant your last name.” “Mills?” “Oh. Just wanted to be sure.”

7.       Just call them the wrong name. With any luck, they won’t have the guts to correct you. (Also, if it’s a girl, call her “Emily” or “Rachel.” All the girls at this place are named either Emily or Rachel… You have a 70% chance of being correct.)

8.       Only call them “baby,” “darling,” “honey,” “doll face,” and “you.”

9.       Ask them for their signature, just in case they ever get famous.

10.   Ask someone else if they know MP’s name. I suppose this could have been number one, couldn’t it? But nope! No easy way out for you! Well done, you pass. B-.